After Kartika:
Bhajan in Separation from Gurudev

A Determined Vow

The first time I met Gurudev, I stayed in the Math for a few months, and it
was really incredible. Gurudev was very affectionate and gave me a lot of
instruction. After those few months I came back to the West, and I found
it very difficult to continue in the way that I had been when I was with
him in the Math. I realised then that all the energy that I'd felt for
sadhana had depended very much on my being there in the dhama with Gurudev
and his devotees, living as they live at the Math. It was very different
when I came away, into an environment which was really very unfavourable.
I was quite alone. Even the devotees that I knew were not following
Gurudev. I was quite isolated, and I found my situation generally
unfavourable and not conducive for bhakti.
I realised that the energy and inspiration and enthusiasm that I'd
felt was dependent on being with Vaisnavas in a good situation. That
worried me a lot, because I didn't know if I would always have that
situation, and I didn't want my sadhana to be going up and down all of the
time. 'What's the use', I thought, 'if my sadhana is up when I am with
Gurudev in a good situation, and then down when my situation is not so
good? It's too disturbing for the mind. It's painful'. I didn't want my
practice of Krsna consciousness to depend on circumstances that were
basically out of my control. I began to really pray about how I could go
on in a steady way in Krsna consciousness without necessarily being
directly with Gurudev, and without depending on some material
circumstances.
I went to Mathura again in the same year (1989) for Kartika. I
told Gurudev how difficult it had been for me in the West, and I said that
I didn't want to be like that. When I asked him what I should do about it,
he told me that I should make a sankalpa [stating one's heartfelt
aspiration] for Kartika, which was coming up. "Think carefully for a while
about what your sankalpa should be and keep it secret. Wherever you go
during the time of Kartika, wherever we go together, you should pray the
same thing. Keep to the one same thing. Be solid and make it fixed.
Don't change it. Don't add things. Make it very rigid, one thing, a
single sentence. It should be your mission statement. Carry it with you
during Kartika, and then we will discuss again at the end of Kartika". So
that's what I did.
We went to Yamuna on the first day of Kartika. Gurudev made
sankalpa for everybody, offering us at the lotus feet of Srimati Radhika,
and then everybody touched Yamuna devi and made their individual sankalpa.
I said to Yamuna devi, "I want a relationship with Gurudev that doesn't
depend on time or any material circumstance. It should be eternal.
Whether I'm here or in the West, wherever I go, even if I go to hell, still
I want my relationship with Gurudev to become stronger and stronger. It
shouldn't be impeded by separation, but it should progress like a
relationship. And everything I do during Kartika should be nourishment for
that". That was my sankalpa, and as much as I could, I took it with me
everywhere throughout Kartika. Gurudev said, "Remember your sankalpa every
time you put your head down in any dust or to any tree. Remember it
everywhere". So that's what I did.

Presence, Love and Affection

When Kartika had finished, Gurudev called me into his room and asked me
what I'd said, and I told him. Quite often he used to laugh and joke with
me, but when I told him my sankalpa, he became really serious and he said,
"From today we will begin to learn about bhajan in separation. In stages
we will learn. So the first thing, the very first lesson beginning now, is
that you should have absolute and unshakeable conviction that 'My Gurudev
loves me very much and he's always with me; he never leaves me'. Your
conviction in this must be so unshakeable".
It was a powerful moment when Gurudev said that, because he said it
with such conviction. It really affected me. At the time I hadn't yet had
any direct experience that it was actually true. Of course, I had
experienced his affection, so I could already appreciate that he was
affectionate towards me. But when he said that he loved me "very much",
that was a huge amount of love. And he said that I should have conviction
that he would never leave me. At that point, I didn't really have any
direct understanding or direct experience of that. I hadn't really felt
his presence so much in separation. When I'd gone back to England the
first time, I had just felt as if I was thousands of miles away from him,
and that was that. I had been so depressed and sad that I was far away
from him. I hadn't known about cultivating the feeling of being with him
in that separation. So I hadn't had that experience. Now he was telling
me to have this conviction: "My Gurudev loves me very much and he will
never, ever leave me. He never leaves me".
When he said that, I had a strong sense of the two options that I
could go for. One of those options was simply to believe that what he said
is actually true, and to start acting with that belief: "Gurudev loves me,
and he's never going to leave me. I don't have direct experience of that
yet, but he's just said it, so it's true". That was one option. The other
option was to think, "Well, he's just saying this to encourage me. I'd
like it to be true, but he can't actually mean it, because I'm so full of
anarthas and I'm really sinful. There are so many reasons why it shouldn't
actually be true. There are so many, many reasons why Gurudev shouldn't
love me, and there's not a great many reasons why he should really love
me".
In my mind I could clearly see those two options, and the two
different ways of being coming from them. One way of being was accepting,
"Yes, he loves me and he's with me". I was able to try out the feeling for
a minute and I saw that it was really positive and happy. It meant that I
would actually be able to go on and try to do some bhajan even when I
couldn't see him. "How auspicious my path will be if I just believe that
he is with me, and that I can pray to him confidently, knowing that he's
hearing me, and also just feeling his presence. I want to be like that. I
just want to be like that".
The other option was really sad and lonely. "How am I going to do
bhajan when I'm not with him?" I liked the first one, and I decided that I
would believe it. It was really a conscious decision like that that I made
in my mind. "Can I believe him or not? Believing in this feels better.
Not believing it feels like panic. I'm just going to leave India again and
go back to the West, and I'll be on my own and separated from him. Now my
affection is going to him, and it's just so sad if I think I'm not going to
see him any more". So I went for the first option. I made up my mind,
then and there: "Yes, OK. I'm just going to believe that, then".
Once I had made that conscious decision to accept this, so much
practical evidence immediately came to me, showing clearly that actually it
was true. The initial decision had been like a step of faith, because I
hadn't had the evidence then. But once I had made the decision, Gurudev
began to show me by experience that it's true that he never leaves me, and
that it's true that he hears me when I pray. He's conscious of us all the
time. He does hear us and he can also respond to us. If we dream about
him, it's real and true; it means that he has come there in the dream. And
when we pray and direct our thoughts and meditation and our heart towards
Gurudev, then he's also receiving it too. It's a two-way process. We're
not just shooting hopeful messages into the ether or something; actually it
comes to Gurudev. He hears it, and when he hears it, he responds to it,
and we can also hear his response. For myself, though, I had to have some
sraddha before Gurudev began to prove that what I believed was actually
true. I didn't have great or deep sraddha. It was just like deciding
whether to go left or right. It was no more than a conscious decision to
believe him, because I wanted it to be true. From that point, Gurudev
provided me with so much evidence that it was actually true. Then my
sraddha developed a little bit, and I had more and more deep faith in his
statement, "I love you and I'll never leave you".
Gurudev had described confidence in his continuing presence and in
his love and affection as the first lesson for bhajan in separation. Of
course, these things are also true and necessary when we're not separated
from Gurudev, but it is vital to act in that faith when we are physically
separated from him. We have to act in the belief and knowledge that his
presence is really with us, and that he has love and affection for us.
Then we can have energy for bhajan in separation from Gurudev, and that
separation can give us inspiration. We develop our relationship a bit when
we see him for two months in India, and it's no longer on hold when we
don't see him. It doesn't have to be stagnant when we don't see him in the
West for ten months. It can go on developing when we're with him, or in
separation from him, but Gurudeva said that we must have confidence.
Actually he said that we should have absolute conviction.
When we have that absolute conviction that Gurudev is present with
us, and especially that he hears us when we pray, then we can develop the
confidence to pray to him. Otherwise, if we don't have that conviction, if
we don't know whether he hears us or not, we might think, "What's the use
of praying to him?" The result might then be that we just don't pray to
him. It may initially be an imposed conviction, which we accept just
because he said it's so, rather than something we believe because we've
experienced it as the truth. Still, if we are convinced that he actually
hears us, confidence comes: "Yes, when I pray he's going to hear me". Then
that inspires us actually to pray to him. This conviction gives us the
inspiration not just to survive in the West, but to advance as well. We
become advanced by having the sanga of more advanced sadhus. Now, we may
think that there is no sadhu-sanga in the West of the high quality that we
find in the Math. That may be true, but yet we can still have that
sadhu-sanga through our conviction that Gurudev is present with us. When
we have that conviction, we can still have his sanga, and we can still make
advancement.

The Intimate Link With Gurudev

I had seen how difficult it was to carry on chanting and performing the
regulative activities of bhakti away from Gurudev's association and outside
the holy dhama. I needed the favourable influences to maintain the
inspiration and enthusiasm for my daily activities of sadhana-bhajan. Now,
the root of sadhana-bhajan is chanting the maha-mantra, so I asked Gurudev
how I could chant in the West with enthusiasm, inspiration, strength, and
confidence. I also wanted to know how I could maintain the same energy
that I felt when I was associating with him directly there in the Math. It
was at this point Gurudev started to instruct me more about chanting
harinama, especially in separation.
Gurudev compared the devotee to a child in the mother's womb,
connected intimately to the mother by the umbilical cord. All the
nourishment that the child needs comes to it through that cord. Besides
that, all the waste products from the child's body come into the child's
blood, and that impure blood goes through that cord into the mother's body.
The mother gets rid of those impurities, even though the child isn't
conscious of the impurities or how the mother is getting rid of them.
Gurudev said that the japa-mala that we receive at the time of
initiation is like an umbilical cord connecting us to Gurudev. In other
words, our sadhana is like a connection to Gurudev and just as the child
receives its nourishment through the umbilical cord, so the nourishment
that we need comes to us from Gurudev through our sadhana and chanting
harinama. Our anarthas also go out by the same process of chanting japa,
through this connection with Gurudev.
Gurudev said that the child in the womb can't actually see its
mother, because it is held inside the mother's womb so deeply and
intimately that it is part of the mother's body. Through the medium of
that cord, the mother's breathing and eating is sustaining the child.
"So", Gurudev said, "you should see your japa like that. When you're
taking harinama you should feel that your connection to Gurudev is so
deeply intimate that you can't even see him. Why not? Because he's so
deeply, so intimately connected, not even separate and outside you, where
you could see him with your eyes. You're inside Gurudev, and he's
nurturing you, so you can't see him. You should meditate that your
connection is like that". So Gurudev explained that first of all I should
have firm conviction in his love and affection, and his presence. Then I
should perform my sadhana with the conviction that it is connecting and
linking me intimately with him.
Gurudev said that if our sadhana is good, then our feelings of
connection with him will be so strong and powerful, and we won't feel
hopeless. The hopeless feeling comes when our sadhana is going down. If
that horrible, lonely, hopeless feeling comes, then we should look to our
sadhana and see where it's lacking. He said that if our sadhana is strong,
then our meditation and practice will be so strong that our feelings of
separation will be positive, and provide fuel for our fire of love.

Chanting in Separation

While we were talking, someone else said to Gurudev, "It's not difficult to
chant when we are in this sanga, if we are making a link to you through
sadhana. But it's much harder when we're in the West than when we're here
in India with you. How can we have such strong sadhana when we're out of
sanga?" Gurudev was sitting outside his room at the time, with his bead
bag in his hand. He put his hand in his bead bag and said, "We should
chant together right now. Chant together". There were four or five of us
sitting there, and he was looking at all of us. So we all sat there with
our hands in our bead-bags. We were looking at Gurudev and he was looking
at all of us, and he started to chant the maha-mantra on his beads very
slowly, "Hare Krsna, Hare Krsna", and we began to chant with him in the
same way, very slowly. We were all doing it together; it was beautiful.
Gurudev led the chanting at a slow pace, and we chanted together like that
for one round. We were sitting in front of Gurudev and looking up at him,
and he was sitting there and looking in the faces of all of us sitting
there and chanting the maha-mantra. It was really powerful.
In the end, Gurudev stopped and paused. Then he looked at the
person who had asked the question and said, "So your mind went anywhere?"
"No, my mind didn't go anywhere". Gurudev was laughing, and he said, "No,
where is your mind going to go if we are sitting like this, one to one?"
Actually, if you're sitting in front of Gurudev, and he's sitting and
looking at you, and you're sitting and looking at him, and you're chanting
the maha-mantra together, your mind is not going to go anywhere, is it?
Can you imagine? It's really, really beautiful.
Now Gurudev gave us some instructions. He said that when we're
chanting in the West, we shouldn't just absent-mindedly pick up our beads
and start rattling off harinama. "First you should come here, just as we
have done now, exactly like this. You should situate yourself in front of
me. You should see that I am taking up my beads, and slowly chanting Hare
Krsna. I'm looking at you, looking with my eyes into your eyes, and you're
sitting and also looking in my eyes. Then at the same time and with the
same words we are chanting the maha-mantra together, my presence and yours
both together. You should meditate like this when you're chanting the
maha-mantra".
Gurudeva was very gradually introducing me to the process of
meditating while chanting harinama. That was the first meditation he gave
me: to meditate on a deliberate and conscious awareness of Gurudeva's
presence, him sitting with me and me sitting with him, me looking at him
and him looking at me. He was making the point that it's not a one-way
meditation. We don't have to sit somewhere meditating on the form of our
Gurudev who is completely oblivious to us. No. We should meditate that
he's sitting and chanting with us and looking at us. There's interaction.
It's a two-way meditation.
Then Gurudev said "If you're chanting like this, and your
meditation becomes deep that 'I'm sitting in the presence of my Gurudev,
and he's also sitting and looking at me', then Gurudev can also give
instruction at the time of japa, and you can also ask your Gurudev
anything. There is no restriction. No language barrier, no time barrier,
no shame barrier. You don't have to worry that anyone is hearing you.
It's unrestricted. You can approach Gurudev at any time and speak to him".
When we have Gurudev's physical association, we are often anxious that we
may not get an opportunity to speak to him because there is so little time,
or there are so many other disciples around him. But we can speak to
Gurudev in meditation at any time, and say anything. We're not restricted
by any mundane, material thing or circumstance. There's no problem with
time or language or anything, so it's very unrestricted and free and very
personal. We can have our own personal interaction with our Gurudev all
the time.


Practising for the Future

Here's another reason why we should start to practise that meditation on
Gurudev's presence. Some devotees are very concerned to know whether their
connection with Gurudev is eternal. They find it very difficult to give
their heart to someone without full confidence that that person will be
there for them, life after life. It's especially difficult in the
beginning, when we don't have any kind of feeling for the unlimited and
unrestricted nature of Sri Guru. We want to feel that we're giving our
heart to a person, and that our heart will remain with that same person.
We need that surety, especially because we give our heart to Gurudev in a
way that we don't to anyone else. We want to know that this heart-giving
will go on life after life.
Devotees have sometimes expressed fear: "What to speak of the next
life, we may lose sight of Gurudev even in this life. How long will
Gurudev remain visible to our eyes on this planet? He may go into
nitya-lila. Does that mean that our relationship with him is restricted to
the duration of his present body?" We need to be sure that our
relationship with Gurudev doesn't depend on the material circumstance of
being with him. We can prepare for a time when we may not be physically in
his presence, and we can begin to practise by being sometimes with Gurudev
directly, and sometimes not. Coming back to the West becomes like a test
to show us what is lacking in our heart. What he has put in our heart
while we are in his presence will be shown by how we are in separation from
him. Separation will show strongly what we have absorbed from his
hari-katha and instructions. It is a time to put into practice what we
have heard and learned when we were with Gurudev. Then, when we come into
his presence again, we can work on what is lacking.
It is good for us to do this while Gurudev is here on the planet.
We can go to India for Kartika once a year and hear from Gurudev how to
improve our practice of sadhana in Krsna consciousness. Then we can come
back to the West and immediately there is an urgent need to put into
practice what we have learned. It is a test of what we have learned, and
the test will reveal by direct experience what we lack and what our
shortcomings are. We are fortunate now, because Gurudev is still on the
planet. When we go to see him again, we can concentrate in his presence on
the areas where we know we have difficulty, and we can question him about
our practice in those areas. While Gurudev is here on the planet, we may
be separated from him for a year at a time, or less. Hopefully, through
practice in separation, we can learn to maintain our meditation on Gurudev.
When that happens by his grace, we will feel so much confidence and
inspiration and enthusiasm, that by his grace we will be able to maintain
it at any time, even later, when he is no more within our vision.


Swami Maharaja and His Disciples

Gurudev's disciples are also fortunate to have the association of Swami
Maharaja's disciples, because they have been practising devotional service
for so many years in separation from their Guru Maharaja. Here is what one
of Swami Maharaja's disciples told me about this.

"When Srila Prabhupada was physically present, I didn't have the idea of a
direct and mystical relationship with him, as you have been describing. I
don't remember anyone encouraging me to have such a relationship with him.
It wasn't until ten or fifteen years after he left the planet that I
started to turn to Srila Prabhupada as a person, speak to him as a person,
and start to develop a really personal relationship with him. Previously I
had tried to follow his instructions, thinking and hoping that he would be
satisfied, but there wasn't much in the way of relationship beyond that.
Then I faced a major crisis in my life, and I realised that I had to get
affection directly from Srila Prabhupada and Gaura-Nityananda and
Radha-Krsna. Otherwise, I was going to end up looking for affection in
some fallible relationship, and I didn't want that. But I found that I
really lacked faith that Srila Prabhupada or Krsna or anybody actually
wanted me or loved me. I decided that this lack of confidence in
Prabhupada's affection for me was simply an anartha. As I tried to trust
Prabhupada more and more, my confidence in his affection for me grew, and
my direct experience of his presence became deeper. I began to get a
really clear sense of his presence and his love for me and for all his
disciples.
"I hardly had anybody to talk to abo
ut this. I remember asking one of my senior Godbrothers, 'Do you talk to
Prabhupada?' He said, 'No' and I said something like 'I think he really
wants you to do that'. I was thinking that Prabhupada really wanted his
disciples to develop a personal relationship with him. My Godbrother
thought that was a rather strange and unusual thing for me to have said,
though.
"My relationship with Srila Prabhupada is completely different now
from what it was when he left the planet, and I have every confidence that
it will change more, especially as Srila Gurudeva is giving so much
instruction regarding the actual nature of the sad-guru.
"Someone enquired from Srila Prabhupada's disciples what it was
about him that attracted them, and the answer was simply, 'Because he loves
us'. Many of his disciples now feel his loving presence just as much now
as they did, more perhaps. It hasn't become weaker at all. Otherwise how
could they still be faithful to him?"

I see that this devotee has hope and faith and confidence because
the relationship with Swami Maharaja has actually developed since he left
the planet. If a disciple's relationship with Swami Maharaja can develop
after he has left the planet, then what to speak of Gurudev's disciples
developing their relationship with him while he is here on the planet.
Some devotees may be anxious about even maintaining their relationship with
him when they're separated for a few months. But we see that the
disciple's relationship with the spiritual master doesn't depend on any
kind of material circumstance, and that should be a source of confidence
and hope.
I thought it was significant that this devotee thought that Swami
Maharaja wanted to have a personal interaction with his disciples. I think
it's very important to have faith that Gurudev also wants to have that
two-way interaction with us. It's not that we are running along and
tagging on as best we can; he's also actively bringing us. He is very
active in the process, by his own deep desire. He said to me in Navadvipa,
"I'm just like Yamuna river. Blessing and love and affection are flowing
from my heart. They are flowing and flowing constantly. Nothing can stop
the flow of Yamuna river, and I am also just like that. Blessing and love
and affection are flowing from me like that. I am simply waiting for all
of my disciples, wherever they are in the world, to come to this bank of
Yamuna and drink and drink and drink, and be satisfied. I'm flowing
anyway, whether they come there or not, but if they come there and drink
they will be so happy, and I am simply hoping for that".
Gurudev specifically spoke to me about guru-nistha in connection
with Swami Maharaja's disciples. Gurudev said that their qualification was
nistha. He told me, "You should have nistha like the disciples of Swami
Maharaja. They haven't had his external sanga for twenty years or more.
Even when he was here, some of his disciples never saw him, and many others
saw him only once or twice, or maybe heard one or two words from him. Many
sat in his classes, but never spoke to him directly at all. Fortunate were
those who had their initiation directly from him; many did not. But even
though they didn't have his sanga so much externally, and even though they
haven't had sanga of other very qualified Vaisnavas since he left, yet
their nistha is such that they would never leave him. They never left the
feet of their Gurudev. Their affection never left their Gurudev. You
should have nistha like that".
Gurudev's disciples are so fortunate. All of us have had our
initiation directly from him; no one has had it from a tape recorder. Most
of us have been able to speak with him and spend some time with him. At
least we still have the opportunity to continue speaking to him. If Swami
Maharaja's disciples' nistha is like that, when they have had so little
physical association with him, how strong our nistha should be! If the
strength of our nistha was in relation to how much sanga we are getting,
then our nistha should be so strong. There should be no reason for any
lack. I think that Gurudev's disciples can benefit so much by hearing how
Swami Maharaja's disciples have so much nistha and faith in their Gurudev
and his love and affection for them. All of Swami Maharaja's disciples can
really help Gurudev's disciples.

Jewels of Understanding and Strength

When Gurudev initiated me, he gave me a book by Srila Sridhara Maharaja
containing a lecture called "The environment is always favourable". It's a
really amazing lecture. Srila Sridhara Maharaja explains that the
obstacles for sadhana-bhajan don't actually come from our environment and
outside influences. The environment is always favourable for bhajan. If
it appears unfavourable, that is not actually the environment, but what we
make of it. He said that we shouldn't look to the outside, to see whether
it is favourable or not; rather we should look at our own hearts. It's
really beautiful, and it links up strongly with what Gurudev has said.
Srila Sridhara Maharaja explains how the environment is always
helping us. Gurudev has explained that this is especially true when we
take shelter of a bona fide, merciful and rasika sad-guru. He said that
from that point everything that happens in your life is the mercy of Krsna.
"You don't need to think that this is karma. When something comes into
your life, even if it may appear to be unfavourable, you should never think
that this is just some outside bad influence or karma. You should see
that, 'By the arrangement of my merciful Gurudev, Krsna is directly giving
me this situation'. Especially, if a negative circumstance comes to you,
then you should immediately search in that situation: 'Where is the jewel
that my Gurudev has hidden here?' So many jewels are hidden in adverse
situations. Jewels means lessons for bhakti, and not only lessons, but
strength for bhakti as well. Those jewels will be hidden in circumstances
that appear to be difficult and unfavourable".
Gurudev is saying that, once we surrender to the sad-guru, there
are jewels of understanding and strength in every situation. "So when any
adverse situation comes, we should not take that as being a burden or
obstacle in our life. We should not see obstacles, but putting your feet
on the head of obstacles, go searching for the jewels that my Gurudev has
placed there. If some situation has come to me, I should think, 'Oh, my
Gurudev is giving me special siksa. He is instructing me personally'. If
I don't see that jewel at first, then I should search for it, just as you
would for any valuable thing. Suppose someone says, 'There's a very
valuable cintamani jewel in this trough of sand'. If you don't see it
immediately, you will start looking for it, and search until you find it.
You may have to look and look, deep and deep, but it will be there. For
sure, after we've been initiated, anything that comes to us comes with
jewels, and actually gives energy for bhajan. That means that it's good
for us".
It may seem unfavourable to be in the West, out of sadhu-sanga, and
apparently cut off from Gurudev's sanga. Actually, it is favourable,
because very powerful lessons and jewels are hidden in this specific
situation. We may think, "Oh, hopeless it is to try and even maintain my
sadhana here in the West, and what to speak of developing it. Hopeless it
is. Let me just hang on somehow until I have the sanga of Gurudev and the
Vaisnavas again". We don't have to be like that. We can advance even in
that unfavourable situation, specifically here in the West, because Gurudev
is giving us so many opportunities.

The Blazing Sunshine of Separation

Gurudev said that the time of separation is like suffering in the blazing
sunshine, while the time of meeting is like moonshine. Meeting is very
gentle and beautiful, and we can find happiness then. Meeting with Gurudev
satisfies and cools our suffering hearts. But the blazing sunshine of
separation also illuminates everything. When we are with Gurudev, he puts
treasures into our heart, but we don't necessarily appreciate them at the
time, or recognise what's happening. But later, the blazing sun of
separation will reveal those good things that have come in our heart, and
will also shine a torch light on those areas where there are problems.
Separation can do that for us. It shows us the good things that Gurudev
has given us, and makes us conscious of our anarthas and where we are in
difficulty. Then we can pray for these things and when we see Gurudev
again, we know where to work in our life. So to find out these things is a
jewel.
We have the option. When we are in the West, we can see it as
negative, horrible, terrible karma, and bad for bhakti. Alternatively, we
can think, "Well, I'm in this situation by the mercy of my Gurudev. Now,
how can I discover my fortune here? What is the jewel that my Gurudev has
given me?" We can see it positively and make the situation dynamic. We
can have some movement and energy in our heart. We don't have to be
stagnant, just holding on and thinking of just about maintaining. Actually
we can be dynamic, and use the energy in that situation for advancing.

The Energy of Emotion

Many negative emotions may come in our hearts. We may feel very sad,
afraid, lonely or hopeless. Gurudev said that when we have emotions, it
means that there is energy moving in our life. "If you're feeling some
emotion, even if it is painful or apparently negative, still there is
energy moving in your heart. When there is feeling, there is
consciousness. Your heart isn't dead or unconscious. There is the energy
of feeling. There is some life there, even if that life is appearing in a
negative form, like feeling extremely sad, being far away from Gurudev whom
we love most. It may be a very sad emotion, and it appears that this kind
of emotion can be destructive. No, it can bring advancement. We can use
those emotions for advancement in spiritual life". For instance, feelings
of separation can be oppressive if we just become hopeless and sad. But
Gurudev said that we should take our japa-mala and chant harinama, feeling
that mood of sadness, and even cultivating that sad feeling. We should
pray with that emotion, and then there will be some real potency in our
chanting of japa. It can be an impetus for prayer.
Swami Maharaja said, "You should chant just like a baby crying for
its mother". A baby is helpless and can do nothing for itself. It can
only cry and cry for its mother. If we are feeling equipoised and free from
anxiety, then our prayer will also be like that, not like the prayer of a
baby crying for its mother. But if an emotion comes in us that makes us
feel like that baby crying, and if we channel the energy of that emotion
into our sadhana, then our sadhana will become very focused like a laser
beam. Instead of feeling unhappy in a fuzzed-out way, we can channel our
emotion to a point where it becomes very specific. Then we can cry like a
baby.
Gurudev has never suggested suppressing or neglecting material
emotions. In fact, he said that mundane sadness can also help us. If we
feel sad, even for some mundane reason, we should read in Hamsadutta about
Srimati Radhika's sadness, and how She is separated from Krsna. If there
is disappointment and sadness and loneliness in our heart, then we should
take shelter of Srimati Radhika's transcendental emotions. What we're
feeling may be material and not at all to be compared with Radhika's
feelings. Still, reading about Radhika's sadness will engender some
sympathy in our heart for Radhika. We can relate to Her sadness because
we're feeling sad ourselves. It makes a sympathetic connection to Srimati
Radhika, and gradually our focus will be Her sadness rather than our own
sadness.
Our sadness is really nothing in comparison to transcendental
emotion, but we can use it to make a connection with the transcendental
emotions of sadness, loneliness and separation. In this way it becomes
important. If we don't use it to make that connection, the energy of
emotion moving in our heart will be wasted, and it will just take us into
unhappiness and the dark places of the mind. It's really a shame to waste
energy like that, because if energy is moving it can be a powerful
influence in our bhajan, and it even becomes a really potent source of
happiness as well.
A simple change of perspective can free us from influences which
could otherwise be destructive for bhakti, and from feelings which could
harm our emotional well-being. Gurudev has said that, when we see them in
a different light, not only are they not destructive, but they can actually
help us and give us energy and fuel for our bhajan.

(Transcribed from conversations with Vishakha dasi, Summer/Autumn '98)

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