The other day Srila Prabhupada chastised his Sanskrit editor, Pradyumna prabhu, for sleeping during the morning program. Pradyumna, my favorite devotee in Srila Prabhupada's entourage, took the correction very seriously. He decided to reduce his eating by taking only hot milk, fruit and almonds for his meals. Pradyumna said that almonds were 'brain food". He had a lot of brains as well as a photographic memory.
As mentioned in a previous Uvaca, when we stayed in Mayapur, Srila Prabhupada walked out onto the verandah while his disciples were taking prasadam to see what they were eating. He enjoyed watching his children take Krishna prasadam to full satisfaction. I felt so well cared for by my spiritual father. He appeared pleased by our attraction to Krishna prasadam. He was not pleased when he noticed that Pradyumna was not with us.
He walked over to his room and said, "Why you are not taking prasadam with the others?" Pradyumna responded quietly, " I'm not very hungry, Srila Prabhupada." The response was not sufficient. Srila Prabhupada said, "What do you mean? You should be taking prasadam." Pradyumna knowing his spiritual master was not satisfied said, "Well, Prabhupada, if I take prasadam, then I sleep." Srila Prabhupada responded, "What can be done. You have to take prasadam, even if you sleep ten hours a day. How can you live if you don't take prasadam?" He paused for a moment and said, "So, take prasadam and sleep. You can't stop taking prasadam, even if you sleep all day... You must take prasadam. Otherwise, how can you go on?" Pradyumna prabhu walked out of the room, offered obeisances and took prasadam with the rest of us. I was happy to have his association again.
Srila Prabhupada always encouraged his disciples to minimize their eating and sleeping in order to advance in Krishna Consciousness but he also told us to use our common sense. Many times he said, "You should eat as much as you can digest." He also said, "Take as much prasadam as you want but eat everything that you take. Not one grain of rice should be wasted." He was very strict about everyone attending the morning program. If more sleep was required it should be done at other times such as a nap after lunch or going to bed earlier at night.
Srila Prabhupada generally ate breakfast right after he lectured in the morning and lunch around 1:00 p.m. He would take hot milk before taking rest in the evening and if he felt some appetite I would make preparations such as puris, vegetable or puffed rice. When he had an appetite he enjoyed eating as much as we enjoyed feeding him. Some of my most joyful days were when he was eating lunch and I would have to run back and forth from the kitchen to his room with a hot chapati, putting it on his plate while it was still puffed up with steam inside. Going back and forth 5 or 6 times within 10 minutes offering obeisances each time I arrived by his effulgent body. Sitting with his right knee straight in the air he would be gracefully mix subji with his chapati and relish prasadam.
Srila Prabhupada, please give my your mercy. I would gladly give up all eating and sleeping just to roll and cook chapatis for you again. There is nothing sweeter in the three worlds then having a glimpse of your childlike innocence as you sit and honor prasadam. I don't think it is possible for anyone to watch you eat and not fall deeply in love with you, except for a demon such as I. I may never taste the nectar of love of Godhead but I pray for your mercy on my soul to be able to cook you chapatis again.
Sometimes Srila Prabhupada spoke affectionately about his father. It was always with great fondness. He said, "My father would make sure that whatever I wanted I would get. Even if it was in the middle of the night and I wanted puris, my father would say to my mother, 'Make him puris if he wants puris.' Sometimes my mother would resist but my father would make her do it. It was like that. I don't know. Maybe my father knew. He was always doing things like that. Then my mother would have to comply with him."
Once on a flight Srila Prabhupada was taking prasadam consisting of puris and subji. As he was eating he began laughing aloud and said to me, "When I was young I would never eat chapatis. I was very spoiled. They were no good to me. I had to have puris. Whenever my mother cooked for me I had to have puris. Even later when I was a businessman." He stopped talking for a minute but it was only to laugh some more. He was very pleased and enjoyed telling me what a rascal he was. Srila Prabhupada continued, "Sometimes it was very embarrassing because I would go to people's houses. They would have me over for dinner and they would give me chapatis."
Srila Prabhupada's eyes grew very large as he expressed his dilemma saying, "I couldn't eat them. At the same time, I couldn't refuse. I didn't know what to do. What could I say, 'I'm sorry I don't eat chapatis.' Then they would think. 'Oh! You are superior to me? You don't eat chapatis? You have to have puris?' So, it became very awkward. Sometimes, I would go out and I wouldn't eat them. It was very difficult for me to say, 'Oh! I don't want chapatis.' They would become very offended but I couldn't eat chapatis. I just didn't like them."
Srila Prabhupada never stopped smiling and laughing as he described his mischievous activities. He continued, "Around that time I acquired a servant. He kept trying to get me to eat chapatis. Once, he insisted, 'I want you to try them. I want you to let me make you chapatis. I'm sure you will like them.' I said, 'No!' This went on for some time. He kept asking me, 'Please let me make you chapatis. I know you are going to like them.' Finally I said, 'All right. I'll try them.' He made me first class chapatis. Ever since that time I have liked chapatis. It was a very abrupt change in my life. Until that time I never took chapatis."
It is difficult for a me to put into words how beautifully animated Srila Prabhupada was while telling this story. He would express the emotions of each individual as he joyfully unfolded the plot of the story. His eyes would become so large as he expressed their alarm with his 'superiority'. Whenever he talked about his youth it seemed to me that it did not happen very long ago. He took great pleasure in speaking about it with his disciples.
Thank you, Srila Prabhupada for allowing me to enter into your childhood pastimes. It is only because of your causeless mercy that I could witness such glorious activities. I know that because I needed so much from you, you kindly gave it to me. I am forever in your debt.
There have been some extremely cold days considering it is L.A., with lows around 40 degrees F. It gives me the opportunity to do a little more service for Srila Prabhupada. No matter how cold it is Srila Prabhupada goes on his morning walk. When it is this cold, Srila Prabhupada wears long underwear and socks. Srila Prabhupada appreciates me helping him get into them in his bedroom.
First, I get his thermal long underwear, saffron of course, and with Srila Prabhupada sitting on his bed, wearing his dhoti and kurta, pull them over his lotus feet, one foot at a time, bringing them up to his knees. While he is still sitting I get to put saffron socks on those beautiful, soft, lotus feet. Then Srila Prabhupada would stand up and pull his long johns up to his waist while keeping his dhoti in place. He would put on his saffron sweater without my help and go to his sitting place and put on tilak and say Gayatri mantra.
If anyone else was in the room, naturally they would also say Gayatri. Usually it was not a good idea because Srila Prabhupada always finished way before his disciples. Their dilemma was trying to decide whether to stay frozen in their brahminical pose thereby missing their Guru Maharaja walking out the door or to hurriedly get up and try to keep his Divine Grace in their vision. I loved to watch this humorous scenario unfold. Even though it seemed to happen everywhere, I could never bring myself to warn my godbrothers. I rascally speculated that Srila Prabhupada enjoyed seeing their desperate looks as much as I did.
After saying Gayatri Srila Prabhupada would stand up and I would help him put on his hooded saffron overcoat. Peacock feathers hung like tassels at his neck. This favorite coat was made by Jayasri devi at the Honolulu Temple in 1970 and traveled around the world with Srila Prabhupada for years. I can't imagine anyone but His Divine Grace wearing such a coat. He looked glorious in it.
One time, when he traveled to Australia I made the mistake of not bringing it with us. I didn't realize how cold it would be. Srila Prabhupada said, "Why didn't you bring my coat?" I stood there and said nothing. He was so upset with me he didn't even yell. His secretary had the coat specially flown in.
After buttoning his coat Srila Prabhupada headed for the front door. Generally, I would have his shoes and cane waiting. As he grabbed his cane he offered me his right foot which I slid into his canvas shoe with the help of a shoe horn that I carried around the world. Then, taking his next step forward I placed his other shoe on his foot before it touched the ground, all in one smooth gesture. His economy of motion was amazing. Once or twice I allowed an eager disciple to perform this most holy service, but after seeing Srila Prabhupada inconvenienced by their awe as they awkwardly fumbled, I decided to hoard the service for myself.
The Gopis pray to become Lord Krsna's flute, always in touch with His lotus lips. I pray to become Srila Prabhupada's shoehorn.
This short meditation is inspired by my book production manager, Vidyananda prabhu. He anxiously awaits hearing the intricate details of how I served Srila Prabhupada and he daily meditates on personally serving his beloved spiritual master, His Divine Grace, Srila Prabhupada..
On this tour of India with Srila Prabhupada, Paramahamsa Swami was secretary and Nitai dasa was the Sanskrit editor. We got along well together. We were all part of the second wave of devotees joining the temple around 1971. While staying at Juhu, Palika devi prepared Srila Prabhupada's lunch. After completion of His Divine Grace's massage, Paramahamsa, Nitai and I went to the beach about a block away to swim and sunbathe. We would get back before Srila Prabhupada would rise from his afternoon nap, in case he needed any of us.
Within a few days both of my godbrothers stopped going because their service wasn't getting finished, but I continued to go. One day when I came back from the beach Paramahamsa Swami came up to me and said, "Srila Prabhupada is really upset about you going to the beach by yourself. He said he wants to talk with you. He's very angry." I waited for Srila Prabhupada to finish lunch. When he went back to his sitting room I walked into his room and offered obeisances. As I looked up at him, I noticed he had a contented look on his face. He didn't appear to be angry with me at all.
Confused I blurted out, "Srila Prabhupada, would you rather I didn't go to the beach after giving you massage?" He nonchalantly replied, "No. It's all right. You are going by yourself?" I said, "Yes," but explained "It started with the three of us going swimming but now I am the only one." He said, "That's all right. It's nice to go to the beach a little, get some sun and go in the water. You can go." Relieved I said, "Thank you, Srila Prabhupada." I offered obeisances and left his room. Immediately I went to Paramahamsa Swami, gloating I happily told him of my conversation with my loving Spiritual Master. Shaking his head he reconfirmed the original story.
A situation like this was not so unusual. I am sure that Srila Prabhupada complained about my being at the beach. What was endearing was how tolerant he was when I appeared before him with my inquiry. He was able to sense my attachment and allow me to make my own decision. I happily stopped going to the beach because he didn't force me.
Srila Prabhupada you are so expert. You often said, "You boys and girls are voluntarily performing service. I can not force you to do something." You always treated me with such respect, often times resulting in my own embarrassment. Due to your humility I was overwhelmed with the desire to do anything you ask. Mercifully, your only desire was for me to "chant Hare Krishna and be happy." Whenever I am remembering you that instruction is very easy to follow.
I went to New Dwarka with Kirtanananda Maharaja to receive Brahmin initiation and stayed about one week. At dusk Srila Prabhupada went to his garden with a few of his fortunate disciples to hear about the ecstatic pastimes of Lord Krsna read from Krishna Book. By Krishna's grace somehow I was picked to read. I spent each day in anticipation of this blissful activity. Srila Prabhupada sat on his asana under the arch of a vine covered trellis usually keeping his hand in his bead bag. Sometimes we could hear him softly chanting, "Hare Krishna" on his beads. He always listened carefully to Krsna Book, sometimes smiling as he listened to the delightful activities of Krishna and His brother Balarama.
One evening as I read the story 'Deliverance of Dvivida Gorilla' Srila Prabhupada smiled broadly hearing the mischievous nature of Dvivida. He began to chuckle when I read the passage, "Often he would go to the hermitages of great saintly persons and sages and cause a great disturbance by smashing their beautiful gardens and orchards." I could sense that it was going to get better, and it did. I continued, "Not only did he create disturbances in that way, but sometimes he would pass urine and stool on their sacred sacrificial arena." Srila Prabhupada was laughing so hard I stopped reading for a moment. Seeing his reaction we all experienced incredible bliss. He ecstatically slapped his leg.
It seemed clear to me that Srila Prabhupada liked to hear about Krishna and Balarama killing the demons. The next afternoon when we entered the garden I immediately sat down on the lawn and began to look for a story involving a demon. I was going through the pages for a few seconds when Srila Prabhupada stopped me saying, "Go on. Read from anywhere. Krishna is like a sweet ball. Wherever you bite, it tastes good." I joyfully went to the beginning of the next story and started reading.
Staying close to Kirtanananda Maharaja, I was able to go on morning walks with Srila Prabhupada. Each day we waited in the hallway for Srila Prabhupada to come downstairs. On account of the fact that I was reading Krishna book every evening, Srila Prabhupada kindly took notice of me. One morning as he walked down the stairs he looked straight into my eyes and said, "Oh! Look at this nice young brahmacari. What is your name?" Astonished and struck with awe .... I couldn't answer as he continued walking down the stairs. Finally Kirtanananda Swami said, "His name is Srutakirti, Prabhupada." Srila Prabhupada smiled and said, "Oh! Suta Goswami." Srila Prabhupada continued walking out the door. I finally had a reason to live, my beloved guru deva recognized me as the reciter of Krsna's lila, like Suta Goswami. Overwhelmed with the graceful glance of His Divine Grace, I understood he appreciated my Krishna book reading.
After becoming your personal servant I was able to see just how appreciative you are of the service each of your disciples perform. Any little service that was done by someone was received with favor by you personally. You are pleased to see the seeds of devotion you planted are taking root and becoming strong. You relish seeing your students advance in Krishna Consciousness. Many times you have said "I have turned hippies into happies."
As I remember your beautiful lotus feet, I feel very happy. Serving them is my only shelter. Thank you for giving me this eternal opportunity.
Two Hours in the Daily Life of His Divine Grace's Personal Servant
On your average day outside of India the process for preparing Srila Prabhupada's lunch was as follows. About one half hour before massage I made a small chapati dough. Then, I chopped various types of vegetables and placed them in the middle tier of Srila Prabhupada's famous three tiered cooker. On the bottom tier I put some cauliflower and potato or some other vegetable combination with water to become a wet vegetable. In the top tier I placed a small two part tiffan. I put split dahl in the bottom with water and rice and water in the top. More vegetables were placed around the tiffan in the top tier of the cooker. Now, Srila Prabhupada's famous three tiered cooker would be put on the stove with the heat set at a medium- low flame. Then I left the kitchen to give Srila Prabhupada his massage.
The massage could last from one to two hours. The trick in using the cooker during the massage was not to let the water dry out in the bottom. Srila Prabhupada showed me how to use the cooker with dahl on the bottom. A few times the dahl started to burn during the massage. That was a great source of anxiety to me. I never wanted to leave Srila Prabhupada in the middle of massage but sometimes you could smell the dahl burning. Srila Prabhupada would say, "What is that smell?" He knew it was his lunch. That is another story, for another day. Anyway, after about eight months and a few burnt lunches, I came up with the idea of cooking a wet subji on the bottom and steaming the dahl and rice in the top tier. That eliminated the anxiety of burning because the wet vegetable didn't thicken like dahl.
After completing the massage Srila Prabhupada would pour a small amount of mustard oil into the palm of his hand and oil the gates of his body. Then he would walk to the bathroom to bathe. This gave me about 20 minutes to do the following. First, I would lay out his dhoti, kurta and copin (underwear) neatly on his bed. I would button the bottom two buttons of his kurta, so Srila Prabhupada would have only two more to close. Then, I raced to his sitting room and prepared his desk for putting on tilak. This meant opening his mirror. It was round like that of a powder compact, with a piece of carved ivory on the lid. Then, I made sure that his small silver lota (about the size of a golf ball) had water in it. There was a small silver spoon placed next to the lota. Finally, I placed the ball of tilak at the center of his desk.
After doing this I ran back to the servant quarters to finish preparing lunch. First, I took the cooker off the stove and put a small wok on the fire. In an emergency the lid of the cooker was used as the wok in it I made a large chaunce. Some was poured into the wet vegetable in the bottom tier. A little was put into the dahl, located at the top in one of the tiffan parts. Then, some assorted vegetables would be put into the remainder of the chaunce in the wok. If bitter melon was available, I would sauté it in ghee and turmeric. Another chaunce was made to cook the remaining cut veggies. I would place all the preparations on Srila Prabhupada's plates along with katori of plain yogurt and another with milk sweets. With Srila Prabhupada's plate almost ready, it was now time to roll and cook a chapati.
Hopefully, all of this was done at about the same time His Divine Grace finished his Gayatri mantra. He didn't mind waiting a few minutes but I would get scared if it took longer. I put the plates down on his choki, offered obeisances, and ran back to my room to cook another chapati. After he was finished taking chapatis with his lunch he would open the small tiffan that had the rice in it. Srila Prabhupada would usually take 3 to 6 chapatis with his meal. More often than not he took 3-4 chapatis. He enjoyed the remainder of his meal with steaming hot rice.
Please forgive me for this post. I started to write a different story but got caught up in preparing Srila Prabhupada's lunch. It was so wonderful to be busily engaged in cooking for you Srila Prabhupada. I pray to become an expert cook, like my godsister Yamuna devi, so that I can prepare you sumptuous foodstuff life after life.
Srila Prabhupada rang his bell late this morning. When I entered his sitting room and offered obeisances, Srila Prabhupada looked at me softly saying, " I am not feeling well today, so for my lunch please make me some khichari and cuddy sauce. You can make the khichari with two parts rice, one part dahl and use a little salt, turmeric and ghee. That will be light and easy to digest." I said, "All right, Srila Prabhupada." A dietary adjustment was the only way I knew Srila Prabhupada was ill as he normally didn't give much information about his health. Occasionally He asked for khichari when he had a cold..
I went back to my quarters to prepare his cooker. I put khichari on the top level and water on the bottom. This meal was much simpler than normal, as mentioned in yesterdays post. I felt relieved knowing there was no chance of anything burning during massage, but sad that Srila Prabhupada wasn't feeling well. Normally I was cooker conscious while massaging Srila Prabhupada due to my searing memory of burning Srila Prabhupada's lunch twice in two years. Twice was way too many times.
I went back to his room after setting up the cooker and Srila Prabhupada sat down on the mat for massage. Sometimes when he had a cold he would instruct me to use mustard oil over his entire body. Normally he would have me massage his head with sandalwood oil, as that had a cooling effect, but today he instructed me to only use mustard oil. About 15 minutes into the massage he said, "So, I've decided. I don't think I'll take any lunch." I said, "All right, Srila Prabhupada," lamenting that he must feeling quite ill, as I continued to massage his beautiful form.
Another half hour went by during massage and Srila Prabhupada said, "Actually, I think I'll have a regular lunch." I said, All right, Srila Prabhupada," momentarily relieved with the idea that Srila Prabhupada's health was improving. He remained silent. Suddenly, I became overwhelmed with great anxiety remembering that I didn't have anything prepared except for khichari. Oh No! It was going to take a long time to get a full lunch together. I was so frightened to say anything about my supposed predicament but finally I said, "Prabhupada, I don't have anything ready. It may take a little time." He said, Whatever it takes, it takes. Just do it."
When Srila Prabhupada went to take his bath I darted into my quarters and put his lunch together as quickly and nicely as I could. I was probably in more anxiety then necessary but that's how my feeble mind works. I prided myself in keeping ahead of my regulated service to eliminate potential problems. Srila Prabhupada graciously waited for me to complete his lunch without any complaints. It seemed that he would sometimes put me through changes like this to teach me how to be more flexible. My service was to do whatever he wanted not what I wanted. Once while I was massaging him, he said, "You massage until I get tired, not until you get tired."
Srila Prabhupada, thank you for giving me the chance to focus on your contentment while performing my duties as your servant. Due to my fallen nature I often forget that devotional service means to personally please you and in this way Krsna is pleased. Please continue to daily guide me in your personal service, teaching me unconditional love.
There are only a few times I can remember when it was very difficult being in the same room with Srila Prabhupada. Obviously, one could easily imagine yearning to be in His Divine Grace's presence 24 hours a day, but we have to remember that other's present could change the atmosphere around Srila Prabhupada.
Today Devananda Maharaja came to visit Srila Prabhupada. He was given initiation by Srila Prabhupada and he was also a sannyasi. He had been his personal servant for a period of time around 1970. He was not presently a member of ISKCON. He asked to see Srila Prabhupada and was allowed darsana. When he arrived Srila Prabhupada was sitting behind his desk. Brahmananda Maharaja and I were also in the room. Devananda entered the room wearing a bright orange satin robes. When he entered he did not offer obeisances. His long hair and beard were matted. He had a very strange smile on his face. He began to speak to Srila Prabhupada in such a peculiar way that I couldn't understand anything he was saying. While speaking he was moving his hands about as if he were doing some type of mudra. It was too bizarre to watch. It seemed that he may have had too much intoxication.
Srila Prabhupada tolerated his nonsense for a few minutes. There was no conversational exchange as Devananda was incoherent. Finally, his all merciful spiritual master, Srila Prabhupada, said, "If you want to come back, you do like him." He pointed to Brahmananda Maharaja and continued, You shave your head and face, put on a dhoti and then it's all right. You may come back."
Devananda started flailing his arms about, again and said, "No. This is not why I am here." He continued to move his body about while speaking nonsense. Srila Prabhupada had had enough. He shouted, "Get out." At the same time he started to shake with anger. Brahmananda Maharaja grabbed him and forcefully escorted him out of the room. Srila Prabhupada was furious. I felt like I was just struck by lightning even though Srila Prabhupada's anger was not being directed at me. Just being in the vicinity was frightening. If I could have disappeared now was the time to do it. It is difficult to describe the spiritual potency generated by Srila Prabhupada's rage. His total commitment to his disciples was obvious by this encounter.
It was one of the most difficult experiences I faced while with Srila Prabhupada. It was amazing how Srila Prabhupada tolerated his bizarre behavior and offered to accept him back as his disciple even though it was apparent that Devananda had strayed far from the Krishna Conscious path and had crossed the threshold of sanity and teetered on the brink of madness. When His Divine Grace saw that he had no interest in accepting instruction, he mercifully sent him away before he could commit any more offenses.
Srila Prabhupada, I beg you to protect me from myself. I don't want to ever do anything that would cause you to become so angry. The greatest danger is to lose the shelter of your lotus feet. Here was my senior godbrother steeped in illusion, wallowing in the mode of ignorance, drowning in the quagmire of false ego . By your potency you had elevated him to a high post, by your grace he had achieved a grand standard of service being a sannyasi. Even while you were with us some of your disciples became illusioned, thinking they needed to go elsewhere to find perfection. The result of his deviation was apparently disastrous.
Perfection for me is to sit in my servant quarters and wait for you to ring the bell. I pray to answer your call by running to your room, offering obeisances and seeing your lotus feet as they peek out from under your desk.
PS. We are sorry to hear that Devananda died of self induced starvation in a cave in South India.
Certain services were especially ecstatic. Walking behind His Divine Grace as he left the airplane and entered the terminal building was definitely one of the most amazing experiences. It had been 8 months since Srila Prabhupada was last in the United States. It was wonderful the way Srila Prabhupada would prepare himself for his grand entrance. As I mentioned previously when the 'fasten seat belt' light went on he would usually get out of his seat, go to the bathroom and put on tilak. I accompanied him, waiting outside the bathroom door. The walk back and forth to our seats could be exciting if the plane rocked about due to turbulence or as lumbered in for a landing. If an attendant tried to stop him, he would ignore their request, as if he didn't even hear them. As he returned to his seat he would hang his bead bag around his neck very carefully. When the plane landed he would put a flower garland on. If there were others he would give one to each person in his party.
As he left the plane and entered the corridor chanting could be heard in the background. It grew louder and louder as we entered the lounge. Srila Prabhupada's smile also grew larger as he approached his loving disciples. Today there were several hundred devotees in the airport as Srila Prabhupada walked into the terminal. They were oblivious to everyone and everything going on around them, except for their glorious spiritual master. I have no qualification to describe the feelings of my godbrothers and godsisters as I have never been fortunate enough to have such strong loving emotion for Srila Prabhupada. It was obvious to everyone in the airport that devotees were feeling transcendental bliss. The loving reciprocation between Srila Prabhupada and his disciples was the easiest to see in the airport lila. For several minutes it seemed that no one's feet touched the ground. Torrents of ecstatic tears flowed freely from everyone except for one fallen soul, me.
As we arrived in Srila Prabhupada's quarters at about noon, I immediately prepared for his massage. During the massage my mind was very disturbed. I could not free myself from the pain of thinking that everyone had such love for their guru except for me. I was a cheater, an impostor. I finally got the courage to speak while massaging Srila Prabhupada's back. This way I didn't have to speak face to face. "Srila Prabhupada, all your disciples have so much love for you. It makes me feel so bad. I lack this intense love. When I'm with you at the airport I can see everyone dancing, chanting and crying. I have so much association with you, yet I don't feel this overwhelming love like they do."
I hoped he would say something to relieve my mind. He remained silent. Tormented I finished the massage and went back to my room to finish preparing his lunch. After he chanted Gayatri mantra, he called me into his room. As I entered I offered obeisances and looked up with much concern because He had a serious look on his face. He said, "So, do you like serving me?" I replied, "Oh, yes Prabhupada. I like serving you very much." He continued, "Then, that is love. Everyone can do so many things...singing, dancing, jumping up and down. But you are actually doing something. Isn't this love?" I said, "I guess so, Srila Prabhupada." He said, "So, you just do your service. That is all that is necessary. This is what love means. To do service."
Srila Prabhupada you have always been so compassionate upon this fallen soul. You have encouraged me over the years even though I have been unable to grant you residence in my heart. I see now, as I saw then that so many of your disciples have such great love for you and I have none. In spite of my lack you allow me the intimate service of describing your amazing grace upon this ungrateful wretch. It is ironic that out of all your disciples you have selected me, a dried out toad, to describe your juicy lila. Actually, it is just another display of your causeless mercy. Thank you so much for your kind words. I pray that some day I will be qualified to taste a drop from the ocean of mercy of love of Godhead so that I can sing, dance and chant like your devoted disciples.
I first meet Bhavatarini, Srila Prabhupada's sister, during this visit to the Calcutta temple. From then on she was always known as 'Pishima' which, I think, means sister. She was an incredible sight. She was a few inches shorter and quite a bit heavier but her face was undeniably like a female Srila Prabhupada . Whenever she came to the temple she would bring sweets and give them to her older brother, Srila Prabhupada, and then distribute them to all of the devotees in the temple. She loved to have the association of Srila Prabhupada and would spend as much time as she could in his presence.
It was impossible for me to understand their conversations, since I didn't understand Bengali but sometimes His Divine Grace would describe some of the details. It was very clear that she had great love for her brother, not just on a material platform. She was able to comprehend his topmost spiritual position as well. She would often cook for him. This was a source of great anxiety for his disciples because she always used mustard oil in her cooking, which Srila Prabhupada said, "...was difficult to digest." Once, when she was approached about this method she responded, "He can digest nails, if he wants."
One day as I was massaging Srila Prabhupada before lunch he said to me, "Do you know any person who is fat, without eating?" I said, "No, Srila Prabhupada. I don't know anyone. Are you referring to your sister?" He started laughing loudly and said, "Yes! She tells me she is eating just a little bit, but she keeps on gaining weight. You don't know anyone who keeps on gaining weight without eating, do you?" Chuckling, I said, "No, Srila Prabhupada. I don't think it is possible to gain weight without eating." Now both of us laughing, he said, "Yes! I don't think so either. I think your conclusion is correct. She has to be eating very much. She tells me she is not eating, but I know she is eating."
He continued, "She complains to me about her health, that she doesn't feel well. I told her, 'You are so fat. How can you be healthy?' She said, 'I don't know how. I am hardly eating at all. I don't know how I am so fat?'" I continued massaging Srila Prabhupada seeing again how comfortable he was in the surroundings of his family and his home town. I was so grateful to be able to associate with Srila Prabhupada during such intimate moments. I could see his concern for his sister's health as he has told us that disease comes from anxiety, uncleanliness or overeating.
That evening Srila Prabhupada was giving darsana to his disciples. Pishima was also present in the room. She didn't mind that she could not understand the conversation. She enjoyed being with him as much as possible because she unconditionally loves her dearmost brother. How elevated and fortunate she is to have a natural love and affection for Srila Prabhupada. Suddenly, Srila Prabhupada said with a smile, "Look at her sitting there. Look at her- how fat she is." Everyone began laughing aloud, including Srila Prabhupada and Pishima. He continued poking fun at her in a very rascally boyish way. "She is so fat. Look at her, how fat she is. She says that she doesn't eat but still she gets fat." The room was filled with laughter. Pishima was enjoying seeing everyone laugh not realizing that her older brother was making fun of her. Srila Prabhupada was enjoying his joke and relishing his disciples getting to be a part of it. It was a rare and wonderful moment for everyone.
Srila Prabhupada, seeing you in that happy, carefree lila was pure nectar. I hope that in some distant lifetime you will shower so much mercy upon me that I can serve you by bringing a smile to your face, laughing at me in my foolish predicaments. In this fallen condition, the only emotion I bring out of you is compassionate concern or annoyance due to my bumbling inability to follow your instructions properly or attentively.
Srila Prabhupada stayed in Vrindaban for a period of six weeks. During this time he was very ill. In temples all over the world 24 hour kirtan was being done, if possible. His sister, Pishima was also staying at the temple in Vrindavan much of the time. She was concerned and wanted to see her brother as often as she could.
One of my duties was to minimize this as much as possible. It was not an easy or enjoyable service. It was no coincidence that Pishima (means aunt) had powerful determination similar to Srila Prabhupada's. She never listened to me. In fact she would become quite upset and angry with me. She had a way of being in the area and slipping into his room when no one noticed.
He called me into his room after one such visit. He said, "I am a sannyasi. It is not good she stays in the room when no one else is present. Even she is my sister...Because she is my sister, she cannot understand it. I can not have a woman in the room with me, even though she is my sister."
One afternoon I walked into the servant quarters, also my bedroom, and she was sleeping in my bed. I was amazed. I did a 180 degree turn and hurried to Srila Prabhupada's room, where he was sitting at his desk. I offered obeisances and with a look of anxiety on my face said, "Prabhupada, your sister is sleeping in my bed. I don't know what to do." He said, "She can not. You tell her! She must be told that she can't be doing these things. It is not good. They'll talk." [Here, Srila Prabhupada is referring to the local sannyasis, caste goswamis, and godbrothers of his who might be looking for a reason to criticize our beloved Gurudeva. Srila Prabhupada always said that everything must go on first class here in Vrindaban or we would not be taken seriously. As always, being the acarya he set the example for us.] He continued, "It is not good that she is spending so much time like this. I anxiously replied, "Prabhupada, I can't say anything to her. She won't listen to me. She only listens to you."
He spoke to her that day for some time. I don't know what the conversation was about but I do know that when I went to the servant quarters the following day I cautiously peeked into the room and there she was, sleeping in my room, quite soundly. I gave up, left the area and found a spot on the other side of Srila Prabhupada's room. She knew her brother was transcendental and it didn't matter to her what anyone else thought in regards to her being a woman. She was his sister. Her resolve to be near her pure devotee brother was much greater than my ability to prevent her. She did whatever she had to do to get the association of Srila Prabhupada. I mentioned to him later about her being there again and he said compassionately, "She is my sister, she wants to be around me." Satsvarupa Maharaja told me late in 1977 Srila Prabhupada asked her forgiveness for his offenses. He said, "Sometimes you may have come to see me and my disciples have not let you in."
I beg forgiveness from Bhavatarini who I committed so many offenses to by trying to do what I thought was my service. I beg that in the future my love for Srila Prabhupada will develop to the degree that his sister displayed. By that determination she was able to be Srila Prabhupada's younger sister and assist him throughout their lives. I pray to have the same desire that Bhavatarini has to serve the lotus feet of Srila Prabhupada life after life.
Many joyful adventures take place daily while traveling with Srila Prabhupada. So much nectar flowed from the regulated activities of personally serving our glories Gurudeva. Who could imagine anything more than cooking, massaging and tending to His Divine Grace, but the crown jewel of intimacy occurred while being present when His Divine Grace exhibited ecstatic symptoms. It was the rarest of treasures. These exceptional events invariably took place while Srila Prabhupada sat on his Vyasasana in the temple room during his lecture. The most widely known took place here during the 'Mayapura festival'.
Hundreds of devotees were assembled in the temple room while Srila Prabhupada was speaking. Suddenly he stopped and became silent with his eyes closed. Everyone in the room became still, not wanting to disturb him. You could hear a pin drop, we didn't dare breath too loudly. This went on and on for some time. Hundreds of devotees were transfixed on His Divine Grace's ecstasy, each being transported by his rapture. Our minds were overwhelmed with blissful anticipation. Srila Prabhupada carried us all to another realm.
Suddenly, one sannyasi kirtan leader near the Vyasasana began loudly chanting, "Nama om visnu-padaya..." I felt jolted from a heavenly realm. Gradually, the reluctant devotees began to join in the kirtan. Soon, Srila Prabhupada regained his external consciousness and joined his disciples in the kirtan.
After the kirtan there was much disagreement amongst the devotees. Some criticized the sannyasi saying, "How could you do that? Srila Prabhupada was in ecstasy. You could see no one else was chanting. You should have stopped." He replied, "Oh, I thought I would chant. It seemed like the right thing to do." Brahmananda Maharaja was Srila Prabhupada's secretary at the time. He was trying to mediate in this matter, but no one could arrive at a conclusion. So, he agreed to take the issue to Srila Prabhupada.
We went into Srila Prabhupada's room in the afternoon. Brahmananda Maharaja said, "Srila Prabhupada, do you remember at the lecture when you stopped speaking and went into ecstasy.?" Before he could continue Srila Prabhupada responded in the sweetest voice, sounding a little embarrassed "I do not do that very often." Understanding Srila Prabhupada's humility Brahmananda continued, "No, Prabhupada, but when it does happen what should we do? Should we just sit there, Srila Prabhupada? Or should we chant japa?" Srila Prabhupada said, "Yes, just chant. Chant Hare Krishna. Why are you making it such a big thing? What is to be done? Just chant Hare Krishna. That is all right."
As always, there is no way I can properly describe how Srila Prabhupada spoke. When he said 'I do not do that very often' it was the most innocent voice I had ever heard in my life. The gentle grace and humility he displayed was amazing. He was apologizing for exhibiting the symptoms of a pure devotee. It appeared to me that Srila Prabhupada felt awkward exposing us to his ecstasy.
One of the most wonderful things about His Divine Grace was the way he always made you feel that if you just followed the process of Krsna Consciousness, then you could advance to the perfectional stage with no difficulty. It seemed to me he didn't want to discourage us by showing how special he was, thus allowing us to consider Krsna Consciousness too hard for neophytes. He gave us hope. He made us feel that Krsna Consciousness was for you and I. He always spoke of himself in the plural "We are Krsna's servant." Srila Prabhupada includes us. As he transported us on that special day he continues to take us 'Back to Home, Back to Godhead'.
Srila Prabhupada, thank you for a peek into your private ecstasy. I would have relished the opportunity to sit at your feet in that temple room for hours. I can only imagine where you were. I have great pride knowing that you are the topmost personality within these three worlds. Still you speak shyly about revealing a glimpse of your ecstasy. I beg for the chance to hear your sweet voice again and again.
Yesterday, I mentioned the gentle way Srila Prabhupada always encouraged us by making the process of Krsna Consciousness seem easy. He spoke in such a humble way. He showed us that if he could be Krsna Conscious, we could be also.
Once, a sannyasi confided to Srila Prabhupada that he was having difficulty because of attachment to his wife. Srila Prabhupada said, "Even last night, I had a dream about my wife. The attachment is that strong, even I have been away for so many years, still last night I had some dream about my wife. Therefore, the injunction is there. You can never see your wife after you have taken sannyasa. You can never even see her, because just seeing her so many thoughts can be brought to the mind."
A little later in Calcutta he spoke humorously about attachment between men and women. He said, "Women are compared to fire and men, they are like butter. Therefore our sannyasis they should have stamped on their forehead, 'keep in a cool place'. Just like on the butter package, it says that. So, our sannyasis they also should have that stamped onto their forehead. That will keep them safe from danger."
Our Guru-Deva engages us in Krsna's service understanding the degraded condition he heroically rescued us from and where he is leading us, 'Back to Godhead'
This morning Srila Prabhupada took his walk on the beach. Included in the group were Kirtanananda Swami, Kuladri, myself and a young bhakta about 17 years old. During the walk the bhakta spotted a large sand crab scurrying along the sand. He stopped to watch it while the rest of us walked with Srila Prabhupada. The ever observant Srila Prabhupada said, "This boy is too much attached to material things. This little neglect will snowball. Everything comes, first little things and then big things." The walk continued with the boy catching up to the rest of us after a minute. No one brought up the incident to the young bhakta. When we arrived back in New Vrindaban a week later the boy left the temple and was not seen again as Srila Prabhupada predicted.
Srila Prabhupada, please stamp my forehead with the words, 'Keep at the lotus feet of Jagat Guru'. Without your lead, I walk with the crabs.
YS, Srutakirti dasa
Srila Prabhupada has been here in New Vrindavan for a whole week and all I have seen is the inside of the Bahulaban kitchen. I have been extremely envious of my godbrothers and sisters who have been going up the hill to see Srila Prabhupada, hearing him speak every day. I have been cooking for a few hundred devotees from 3:30 a.m. until 9:00 p.m. They have all come to see Srila Prabhupada during the annual Janmastami festival. I haven't had time to chant my rounds, consequently I am in distress. I had grown attached to having Srila Prabhupada's personal association while visiting Los Angeles and reading 'Krishna Book' in his garden, but now my self pity is mounting.
It was between 8- 9 o'clock at night and I was lamenting my misfortune when Kirtanananda Maharaja came into the kitchen and with a huge smile on his face said, "Guess what? You are going to be Prabhupada's personal servant. You'll be leaving tomorrow morning with him to go to Pittsburgh." I was speechless, ecstatic and very nervous. It happened so quick I didn't have any time to be mental about it. I was ecstatically exhausted.
Around 6:00 a.m. Kirtanananda Swami brought me to Madhuban, a small, one floor farmhouse where Srila Prabhupada was staying. I was still in the state of shock unable to be nervous when we walked into the small sitting room and offered obeisances. K. Swami said, "This is Srutakirti, Srila Prabhupada. He cooks very nicely. Srila Prabhupada smiled and said, "That's very good." K. Swami continued, But he doesn't know how to massage." Srila Prabhupada said, "That's all right, anybody can massage. It is very easy."
Then Srila Prabhupada picked up a lota on the floor by his desk and said in a deep voice, "OK. Come with me." He walked out the back door of the farmhouse and walked to the edge of the pavement. He stopped there for a moment and turned to me and said, "All right, wait here." Srila Prabhupada walked about another 50 feet into a wooded area. After a few minutes he returned to the edge of the pavement where I stood according to his instructions. As he was walking by me he handed me the lota and said, "All right, wash this with some dirt and water." He then walked back into the farm house.
It was wonderful how he dealt with me that morning. There was no 'chit chat', no 'please' or 'thank you'. He immediately let me know that my position was to be his menial servant, assisting him in whatever way he wanted, taking care of his bodily necessities. I was in complete bliss knowing what my service was. I didn't have the ability to do anything that required intelligence so for me this service was ideal. I had been given the most wonderful service of taking care of the transcendental body of the servitor of God.
This was the first day of my life. For the first time I could understand what my body and mind were meant for. Unfortunately, due to my youthful restlessness and inability to take to the process of KC sincerely, I lost my service after a few short years. Now with great regret, I am begging the Supreme Lord Krishna to please give this fool another chance to serve my spiritual father.
Srila Prabhupada without you, I feel very lost and alone. I do not know what to do with myself. It is very painful. When I don't think of you, my beloved spiritual master, there is no reason to live. When I remember you, Srila Prabhupada, there is much pain knowing I have wasted my life in useless sense gratification. Srila Prabhupada, I could have been with you, cleaning your lota.
Srila Prabhupada spoke every evening for a week at a pandal program arranged by the devotees. Thousands of people attended. On a large stage about 4 foot high were Radha Krsna Deities. After the pandal program They were installed at Bhaktivedanta Manor. Srila Prabhupada sat on his Vyasasana on the stage with his disciples gathered at his feet.
It was a very eventful week. One evening an electrical fire ignited behind the Deities altar. The fire spread quickly but fortunately was put out immediately. More devotees arrived daily so by the last day of the program several dozen of Srila Prabhupada's disciples were in attendance. We westerners couldn't understand the lectures because they were spoken in Hindi, but it was evident from the enthusiastic crowds of people attending that Srila Prabhupada was enlivening everyone.
The last day was especially wonderful. After Srila Prabhupada finished his lecture he gave a nod and said, "All right, have kirtan." Acyutananda Swami, sitting by a microphone with a mrdunga in hand began to lead the chanting. Within a few minutes Srila Prabhupada got down from his Vyasasana and started to circumambulate the Deities. He went around once and turned and bowed before Sri Sri Radha Krishna. Already all of the devotees were starting to follow His Divine Grace as he went around for a second time. He was clapping his hands and smiling as he walked around the shaky stage for a second time, again turning and bowing before their Lordships. The kirtan was becoming more ecstatic by the second. Everyone relished following Srila Prabhupada as our eyes drank the nectar of his ecstasy.
He walked majestically around Their Lordships once more completing his third time. He bowed again before the Supreme Lord and his pleasure potency turning to face the crowd. As he turned he lifted his arms high in the sky. He benedicted us all with the biggest smile I had ever seen. As he danced, jumping up and down to the kirtan he immediately lifted us all to the transcendental realm. It was amazing how Srila Prabhupada controlled us by the movement of his arms. When he raised them into the air he picked everyone up with them and deposited us in the spiritual world. The crowd of thousands were caught up in the ecstasy. The kirtan was out of this world.
The dancing on the wooden platform by dozens of devotees was so wild that the stage became shaky. Their Lordships began to move back and forth on the altar, as if They were joining their pure devotee in his ecstasy. Myself and another devotee went behind the altar and held the Deities down by holding on to their bases. Srila Prabhupada noticed the situation and stopped dancing. After the kirtan was over Srila Prabhupada and I got into the back of an Ambassador and it started for Kartikeya Mahadevia's flat where Srila Prabhupada was staying. With a transcendental smile he said, "So, the pandal was very nice?" Still overcome with ecstasy by the mercy of my spiritual a master I said, "Prabhupada, it was really wonderful. When you dance, everyone immediately goes into ecstasy." He answered, "Yes! Actually, I could have kept on dancing but I saw that the Deities were endangered so I stopped. Otherwise, I would have kept on dancing."
Srila Prabhupada, thank you for allowing me the chance to witness your spiritual potency.
It was evident by the conversation in the car that you relished distributing the mercy to everyone present. I knew I was the most fortunate living entity on the planet being able to sit next to you in the car. Please raise your arms over me once again so that I may dance according to your desire.
Before Srila Prabhupada arrived at the temple in New Zealand Siddha Swarupa and Tusta Krishna Maharaja's moved the devotees out of the temple, so that Srila Prabhupada would have a peaceful, quiet stay. It was an interesting and unusual thing to do, but it did allow Srila Prabhupada the chance to have a relaxing visit.
This evening Srila Prabhupada asked me to prepare puris and subji. As I prepared his meal, I realized I did not have any milk sweet to put on his plate. There was no Deity worship going at the temple, so I was not able to get maha prasadam for his plate. I hadn't found the time to prepare any sandesh since we just arrived the day before. I brought the puris, subji and hot milk into Srila Prabhupada's room and placed them on his table and offered obeisances. Siddha Swarupa and Tusta Krishna Maharaja's were both present in the room speaking with Srila Prabhupada when I entered. He allowed them to remain with him while he took prasadam. This was a great benediction as it was not something Srila Prabhupada did often. He usually honored prasadam privately.
I left the room and went back to the kitchen to roll and fry a few more puris. I rushed back to my spiritual master with two fresh puris, placing them on his plate before offering my humble obeisances. Srila Prabhupada looked at me inquisitively and said, "There is no sweet?" I replied, "No, Prabhupada. I don't have any made yet." Srila Prabhupada realizing the situation mercifully said, "Oh, all right. Bring me some sugar." I went back to the kitchen and filled a bowl with white sugar. I went back to his sitting room and put the bowl on his plate. He took a puri, stuffed it into the bowl of sugar and took a bite. He did this a few times. You could hear the crunching sounds as he enthusiastically chewed. He stopped for a moment and chanted, "luci cini sarpuri laddu rasabali" and continued by saying, "This is a very good combination. It is very tasty."
As He ate the 'very tasty combination' the two sannyasis watched in startled amazement. Oh yes, I forgot to mention that neither of these Maharaja disciples would eat anything that contained even a trace of sugar, what to speak of eating the horrid substance straight in its 'impure' form. It was just another of Srila Prabhupada's wondrous qualities. He always seemed to know exactly how to surprise and unsettle his disciples, giving them the opportunity to understand his most transcendental position.
Once while Srila Prabhupada was staying in New Dwarka he took a one day trip south to the temple in Laguna Beach. It was only about a two hour ride by car. In the evening he asked for some hot milk. At this temple Deity worship was going on, but I was unable to find sugar in the temple kitchen, so I sweetened the milk with honey. Sometimes, Srila Prabhupada would ask to have his milk sweetened with honey but this evening when I brought him the hot milk, he tasted it and immediately wanted to know, "Why it is not sweetened with sugar?" I told him, "They do not have any sugar in the temple here." He replied angrily, "How can that be?" I explained, "some devotees think that white sugar is not healthy and that it is better to avoid it." He said, "That's fine. If they don't want to eat sugar, they don't have to, but Krishna likes sugar very much. This is nonsense. They must use sugar when they make preparations for the Deities."
Srila Prabhupada, you are astonishing. Wherever you went, you quickly cut through all of the creative nonsense that your disciples invented. You didn't need a network of spies to tell you what was going on. Krishna was your spy and he gave you all the information needed, so you could set the proper path for your foolhardy children. I relished the countless opportunities I saw you display psychic abilities, sometimes humorously and other times seriously. Often devotees ask if you displayed any yogic powers. I saw you displaying them constantly, reading the minds of your disciples and dealing with them accordingly. Very often it was to my joyful and appreciative amusement. Please, Srila Prabhupada grant me your association always, residing in my heart. You know I have no qualification but I know how merciful you are. After all, you have allowed me to personally associate with you.
In Mayapur, Srila Prabhupada lived in two rooms. One room was his sitting room where he translated and received guests. Next door was his bedroom, but he also used it to honor prasadam, so there was a small marble prasadam table (choki) set against the wall to the right of his bed.
June is generally very hot, so when Srila Prabhupada took lunch prasadam sometimes I would fan him with a peacock fan. It not only created a breeze but also kept the flies away. However, when Srila Prabhupada took his lunch it immediately became known by the resident ant population. They always had scouts running along the walls and within minutes of putting his plate on the table, they would call in the battalions. Once, in Los Angeles Srila Prabhupada told me to put some turmeric down at the spots they were entering. It worked in Los Angeles. I suppose those ants were more materialistic. The ants in Mayapur could not be stopped. Obviously, they were spiritual entities and they could not be discouraged from taking maha prasadam remnants from the plate of the pure devotee.
I watched as hundreds of ants ascended up the leg of the choki, circling his plate to finally descend upon his prasadam. They seemed to know exactly when they were allowed on a certain preparation. Srila Prabhupada would eat in stages. First there were the vegetables and chapatis, the rice was mixed in later on and then finally the sweets were eaten. Initially they would congregate around the plate. Gradually they would work their way onto the preparations that Srila Prabhupada had finished with. It seemed like the ants had a little courtesy. Finally, Srila Prabhupada would finish his meal with a few sweets and get up to wash. For the ants the moment they had been waiting for had arrived. They knew now was the time to dive into the sweets. Incredibly, Srila Prabhupada never said one word about them during this daily attack on his lunch.
This was not an isolated incident. It happened with great regularity. There seemed to be an arrangement between the pure devotee and these tiny insects. He was free to take as much time as he wanted and they were allowed to eat whatever he was finished with. I tried to get to the plates as quickly as possible after he finished so that there was something left to distribute to his disciples. As Srila Prabhupada said in Calcutta, "It's all right, they don't eat very much."
One day while I was fanning him during lunch Srila Prabhupada began to chuckle. He said, "This is the Vedic custom. The wife, she would fan the husband while he ate. After he was done, whatever he would leave, she would take." Laughing he said, "In this way she always make sure there was plenty of prasadam. Otherwise, she may not eat. But, that was strictly a custom." Still smiling he continued, "Actually, in the Vedic culture that was the woman's role. They served in two ways, one by cooking nice foodstuff, the other by providing nice sex life. This is the essence of material life. Of course the difference is in Krishna Consciousness, we stress chastity, being chaste."
Quietly fanning Srila Prabhupada as he ate I was overwhelmed with embarrassment. This subject was a source of great attraction and aversion for me due to my fascination with the opposite sex and my constant endeavor to control my senses. I stood by trying to appreciate the knowledge he was imparting. Tongue-tied, I didn't dare say a word being completely attached to material life.
Srila Prabhupada was completely transcendental. Only he could sit and eat with legions of insects preparing to attack his remnants. Only he could speak about sex enjoyment without reservation because he had no attraction to material life. Being the all- compassionate pure devotee he was able to understand our fallen condition, patiently extricate us and give us the opportunity to perform devotional service.
One would think that being in Vrindaban with Srila Prabhupada would be the most blissful situation, but this seven week period was very difficult. Srila Prabhupada was extremely ill, so we were in tremendous anxiety as it appeared that he may leave us at any moment. He was eating almost nothing for a prolonged period of time and as a result he had very little strength.
One morning he called me into his sitting room. He was sitting up on his bed. When I entered the room he said softly, "You can make me some upma like I have shown you." It seemed like a very peculiar request since he wasn't eating. It was also difficult for me to imagine why he wanted me to do it, since Yamuna was present and obviously more qualified to cook for him. I went to the kitchen and told her of his request and asked if there were any vegetables available. Unfortunately, there were no fresh vegetables in the kitchen, but she did have some dried peas. Since time was of the essence, I made the upma using the dried peas, after rehydrating them. I did it as quickly as possible. We were all very excited that he asked for something cooked to eat since he was eating only sliced oranges.
As I thought about it, in the past, he would ask me to prepare different favorite dishes with the intention of increasing his appetite. He would personally teach me how to make a prep and if I was able to recreate it nicely, he would ask me to make it every day for a week. So perhaps he thought about the upma he taught me to make. I began to recall him teaching me to make a wet cauliflower & potato vegetable with fried curd at Bhaktivedanta Manor. In New Dwarka he came into the servant quarters, told me to get a head of cabbage and some potatoes. He instructed me in the art of finely shredding cabbage with a knife and sautéing it in a wok with cubed potatoes to create a delicious cabbage potato subji. I felt fortunate that he asked me to serve him.
So we were all overjoyed that Srila Prabhupada asked for something he was fond of. I brought a plate with an upma filled katori on it into his room. Placing it on the choki, I lifted the small table up in front of him on to his bed. I offered obeisances and left the room returning to the kitchen. I sat down to wait in anticipation along with a couple devotees, hoping that Srila Prabhupada would enjoy the offering and eat all of it. After about five minutes Srila Prabhupada rang the bell. I hurried back into his sitting room spying the scarcely eaten upma. I offered my obeisances, as I looked up my glorious spiritual master returned my gaze lovingly and said, " This upma was first class. I couldn't eat very much because I have no appetite, but I want you to know that it was very good. I thought that if you prepared something I liked, I could eat, but it is not possible. I ate a little bit and it tasted very good." I couldn't believe my ears, I appreciatively replied, "Thank you Srila Prabhupada.." Picking up the plate and the choki, I left the room.
Srila Prabhupada, I am always amazed by your kind dealings with me. Thousands of devotees all over the planet were engaged in 24 hour kirtan praying to the Supreme Lord to allow you to stay with us. Still you took the time to see that your lowly servant was not upset because you didn't eat the upma. Even though you were ill you encouraged me. You always are completely transcendental and thinking of others, no matter how you personally feel. I hope that some time I can care about you a fraction of the amount that you care for me. I wanted to please you that day and knowingly you reciprocated by filling my heart with joy. Please forgive me for being so needy.
During this period of Srila Prabhupada's illness much activity was going on. His living quarters were in the final stages of construction, and other projects were going on just outside. The temple and the guest house were being erected, so the loud sounds of building filled the atmosphere. Srila Prabhupada had been eating so little for such a long time that he became very weak. When he needed to go from one room to another one or two disciples would assist him.
The summer air was extremely hot, so we set up his bed on his back porch as it was much cooler than his sitting room. In the evening he would take rest outside even though work was still being done on the porch and garden area as there was just enough room for his bed. When it was time to take rest at night, I would help him get into his bed and then climb under the mosquito net with him and give him a leg massage. After the massage was finished, I put down a straw mat under his bed to sleep on. The mosquito net attached to his bedposts extended down to the floor so I was also covered with it. I spent each night sleeping directly under His Divine Grace's bed, so if he needed anything I was immediately available.
This was the first period of time I took rest directly next to Srila Prabhupada. He wanted me close by, so if he had to get up, I could help him walk. It was a very grave situation. I thought of myself as my master's dog, lying on the ground by his bedside waiting for an opportunity to serve him. I considered this my realistic position.
One night at about 1:00 a.m. I awoke to the sound of a stick falling by my head onto the brick floor. When I opened my eyes I saw my beloved spiritual master lying on the ground beside me. Horrified, I immediately clasped my Gurudeva under his arms and lifted him back onto the bed. The sound I heard was Srila Prabhupada's cane falling to the
ground as he fell over trying to walk. I was instantly wide awake and filled with fear, bewildered I said, "Srila Prabhupada, what are you doing? Why didn't you call me?" He replied softly and apologetically, "Oh, I needed to go to the bathroom. I thought I could make it on my own and I didn't want to disturb you because you were resting."
I knew Srila Prabhupada was very humble but this shocked even me. I was angry that he didn't wake me up and I began to respectfully chastise him saying, "No, Srila
Prabhupada there is no disturbance! That is why I am here. You are very weak. You should have called me." He said, "I thought I had the strength, but I can see, I have no strength at all."
Standing behind him I placed my hands at his armpits and walked him into his quarters to the bathroom and waited outside the door. When he was finished I helped him walk back to his bed on the porch. The next day he did not make any fuss about what happened the night before nor did he complain to anyone of any injury that may have occurred when he fell onto the brick porch. It was another day in the life of the pure devotee. He was truly unaffected by conditions that related to his body. He was concerned that everything was going on nicely with the temple construction.
Srila Prabhupada exhibited humility in all circumstances. Sometimes he would call me into his room. When I entered he would say in a humble tone, "Could you prepare something for me now?" Amazed by his humble tone I would reply, "Yes Prabhupada, I have nothing else to do but serve you. That is why I am here." Sometimes he would say to the devotees in the room waiting to go on the morning walk, "Can we go now?" He was always refined and dignified. Everything he said, every move he made allowed us to become more attracted to him.
Srila Prabhupada, there is nothing I can say to properly glorify your activities. Anyone fortunate enough to have your association knows that you are the total embodiment of all transcendental qualities. You have given me reason to live. When I think of your falling to the ground as I slept it saddens me deeply. I should have been awake watching and guarding your beautiful form. However, I am certain that you don't even regard it as a lack on my part. That is because of your great humility. It is this quality that keeps me addicted to your lotus feet. Thank you for being my divine, loving spiritual father.
During this period of Srila Prabhupada's illness there was difficulty going on with the construction of the temple. My angle of vision regarding it is very limited. I only heard bits and pieces of conversations that went on in Srila Prabhupada's room. There was a problem in procuring cement. This of course created major setbacks in completing the project. At that time one politician from Mathura was able to supply a large quantity of cement to help in the completion of the project and he was coming to visit the temple to see what was being done.
Srila Prabhupada was determined to go and have a program at the temple to honor this gentleman. It was cause of great concern for his disciples, who didn't want Srila Prabhupada to expend so much energy. Some were advising His Divine Grace not to do so because he was very weak with a very high fever. He said, "This man has come. I have to go out and speak something."
The day the gentleman arrived I helped Srila Prabhupada put on fresh clothing. After that he put on tilak. After a few minutes he was preparing to leave his quarters for the temple. He turned to me and asked, "Tilak, have I put on my tilak yet?" I told him that he put it on. He nodded and said, "Okay, let's go." I couldn't believe the determination of Srila Prabhupada. His fever was so high, still he was focused on his mission of spreading the Krishna Consciousness movement. He did not consider his condition. It was an opportunity to preach the glories of the Supreme Lord. We carried Srila Prabhupada to the temple, where he gave a short lecture and publicly expressed his appreciation to the politician for helping to get the construction completed.
Towards the end of this period of Srila Prabhupada's illness, I contracted malaria. For a few days I was confined to bed. Actually, I was on my mat on the floor of the servant quarters. Srila Prabhupada's health had been improving and he was walking on his own strength. As he walked past the servant's quarters, he saw me lying on the floor. There were other devotees in the room taking prasadam. Srila Prabhupada said, "What is he doing on the floor? He is very ill. Get him a bed." He looked at me with a compassionate glance just as I was in the middle of a malaria attack. He said lovingly, "Have you been given anything?" I said, "No, Prabhupada." He turned to Palika and said, "Make him some hot lemonade and take care of him."
I don't remember if I took any medicine or not, but I know it wasn't long before I was out of bed. It was a wonderful feeling to know that you care so much about me, Srila Prabhupada, you always made me feel special. I was asked a year ago at a 26 Second Avenue reunion if you treated any of your disciples 'special'. I didn't have to think long before saying, "Yes! All of them." If there is one service I can perform for you it would be to try to express how much love you have for all of your followers and how much appreciation you have for their assisting you in your mission. If I can realize the depth of your love for me, I would never be distracted from serving your golden lotus feet, not even for one second. I beg for the intelligence to comprehend a fraction of your love for me.
To the relief of everyone Srila Prabhupada began to recover from his illness. As his health improved he started spending an hour every evening sitting in a chair under the tamal tree in the temple courtyard listening to his disciples give class. He wasn't sitting with them but observed the class from a short distance. Sometimes he would enjoy listening to his senior disciples speak and sometimes I heard him critique the lecture. One thing for sure was he was an attentive listener. I can recall while traveling with him, he would ask a disciple to speak in his presence. My heart would stop, fearing that he would ask me. I was happy when I realized Srila Prabhupada was aware of my lack of philosophical understanding. He never put me on the spot.
One evening the temple commander was giving a class. Srila Prabhupada was sitting comfortably in his chair and I was sitting at his feet on the marble floor. Srila Prabhupada's disciple began to speak about the importance of following the temple program. Some of the devotees were not following the schedule very strictly and the temple commander was using the class as a means to encourage the devotees to be more careful. He began to chastise a French devotee for not attending the morning class. The lecturer said, "It doesn't matter if you don't understand English. It is transcendental sound vibration." He continued speaking in a harsh way. Finally Srila Prabhupada said to me, "Tell him to stop speaking now. He has been speaking long enough." I relayed the message and the devotee stopped speaking.
A few days later the lecture was going on in the same way by same temple commander. Srila Prabhupada said to me, "These lectures should only be half an hour. Otherwise, no one is going to listen. He is talking too much. Tell him half an hour only." I immediately went over to the speaker and relayed the message from Srila Prabhupada. I didn't ask but it seemed to me that it wasn't so much the length of the lecture that disturbed His Divine Grace but that the fact that the speaker was giving more of an istagosti than a class from the Sastra. Observing Srila Prabhupada's opulence of renunciation one could see that once His Divine Grace gave a personal instruction, he was done with it. He never belabored a point or belittled anyone. He was interested in training his disciples so they could advance in spiritual life.
As Srila Prabhupada sat in his chair in the courtyard one evening and I sat on the marble floor next to his glorious lotus feet, I asked him to elaborate on a statement he made in his sitting room earlier in the day. What he said earlier was, "When the Indians touch my feet, they are simply looking for some material benediction. Therefore, don't let anyone touch my feet because I will have to take their sinful reaction and then I will get sick and it will cause more weakness."
As we sat under the tamal tree, the class going on in the foreground, I said, "Srila Prabhupada, when your disciples touch your lotus feet, they are trying to show respect. They are not interested in material profit." He knowingly replied, "Yes, that's there, but still, I have to suffer. Even they may not be trying to achieve some goal by touching my feet, still, the spiritual master has to suffer by accepting their sinful reactions." He stayed in the courtyard a while longer. I sat by him feeling delighted that he decided to stay with his spiritual children for some time longer. He was concerned about keeping healthy and not leaving us on our own.
Srila Prabhupada, my desire is to live in the past. My understanding is that your pastimes on this planet are eternal and therefore I can be with you always by remembering your beautiful lotus feet resting softly on the courtyard floor of the Krishna Balarama Mandir. Thank you for allowing me to touch your feet daily. Forgive me for forcing the reactions of my sinful life upon you. Please, don't kick me away.
As Srila Prabhupada's health improves I have become more conscious of my own bodily discomfort. I haven't been as careful as I should here in India, as a result I contracted malaria, am also having difficulty digesting and have developed colitis. Srila Prabhupada has noticed that I have lost a lot of weight. My spirits were low. I think some of my weakness is due to the stress of being responsible for Srila Prabhupada's well being during his illness. I have developed an aversion to living in India after losing my energy and strength.
I went to Srila Prabhupada's secretary, Brahmananda Maharaja and discussed the possibility of my going back to Los Angeles to regain my health. I asked him to talk with Srila Prabhupada about it. I was ashamed to speak with His Divine Grace myself because I couldn't reconcile the idea of leaving his personal service. I knew in my heart it was wrong. Brahmananda Maharaja spoke with Srila Prabhupada about my desires.
Later, Srila Prabhupada called me into his room. I nervously entered his room and offered obeisances. He was sitting behind his desk. I was so ashamed of myself, I hung my head unable to look at him. He said, "So, you are not feeling well?" I replied, "No, Prabhupada, I have been feeling ill for some time." He continued, "You want to go back to Los Angeles and regain your health." I timidly replied, "Yes, Srila Prabhupada. If it is all right with you?" In the sweetest voice he responded, "Yes, of course. You have kept me alive for the last month. If it wasn't for you I wouldn't be here now. How can I not want you to be healthy? You have done so many things. You must take care of yourself. There is no problem in getting someone. There are so many people here in India. Anyone can do your service."
I couldn't believe my ears. His humility was overwhelming. I offered my obeisances and walked out of his sitting room filled with emotion. I was on top of the world. Hearing Srila Prabhupada say that I was responsible for saving his life filled me with ecstasy. I knew that he was constantly being protected by Lord Krishna but nonetheless the recognition that he showered upon me was undeniably sweet. Simultaneously, I felt lower than a worm in stool. How could I leave such a magnanimous personality? My mind was reeling for the rest of the day.
That evening I accompanied Srila Prabhupada to the temple courtyard where he sat down under the Tamal tree. As I sat by his lotus feet, I began thinking how crazy I was. There was no sweeter place to be in the entire universe than sitting at his golden lotus feet. Finally, I said, "Srila Prabhupada, I can't leave. It isn't the right thing to do. I should just remain here and depend on Krishna." Srila Prabhupada smiled broadly and said, "Yes, this is very good. Because you are sincere, Krishna will give you all facilities to perform your service." I felt great relief knowing that I was doing the right thing.
I remained in India with Srila Prabhupada for three more months before leaving his personal service for the second time.
Srila Prabhupada, every day that I sit here and write, I become sad thinking of all the opportunities I missed not having your personal association, due to my lack of Krsna Consciousness. Today, I am happy knowing that no matter what service I may be fortunate to render, you are transcendentally pleased, provided my desire to serve you is sincere.
From the time I first became Srila Prabhupada's personal servant until today there was one name that never brought a smile to His Divine Grace's face. That name was Mr. Nair. He was the Kamsa of Iskcon. He made the big mistake of selling a piece of land in Juhu to Srila Prabhupada with a small down payment. Mr. Nair's scheme was Srila Prabhupada would not be able to pay the large future balloon payment and lose possession of the land. Then, Mr. Nair would resell the property as he had previously done several times. Mr. Nair didn't realize who he was dealing with. As soon as Srila Prabhupada took possession of the land, he had his disciples put a temple on the property, installed Deities, and instituted full deity worship.
It is a very long story which will be the subject of a book by Giriraja Maharaja. I do not know the history of the Juhu project. Everyone was ready to give in to Mr. Nair's antics except for His Divine Grace. Srila Prabhupada spent many days intensely chanting japa pacing in his quarters all over the world. His unmatched determination was to acquire this particular piece of land for Their Lordships. He worked to keep his disciples inspired enough to push on the fight and not give up steady acquisition efforts. Some even questioned why Srila Prabhupada was so attached to this property, to the point of being offensive.
It all became very clear one beautiful day during the morning massage. I can remember it like it happened yesterday. I was sitting on the floor behind Srila Prabhupada vigorously massaging his back. Tusta Krsna and Siddha Swarupa Maharaja's were in the room with us. Tusta Krsna Maharaja went to answer a phone call. He told me to go to the phone. I spoke with the caller briefly and ran back into the room with this message, "Srila Prabhupada, that was Bali Mardana on the phone. He wanted to tell you that Mr. Nair is dead." Immediately, Srila Prabhupada clapped his hands in a prayer like fashion and with a beaming smile, he jubilantly exclaimed, "Oh, Thank You, Krsna!"
Confused, I sat down behind His Divine Grace to massage his back. I was surprised how happy Srila Prabhupada was, thinking someone had died. Normally it was a time of mourning and I expected Srila Prabhupada to respond differently. I realized I understood nothing about spiritual life or the pure devotee. His Divine Grace continued. " I prayed that Krsna would kill him. He has caused us so much difficulty. I was praying that Krsna would do something to this demon." Then quoting in Sanskrit a sloka from Srimad Bhagavatam. Then translating it into English, he said, "Prahlada Maharaja said, "'Even the sadhu becomes pleased when a snake or scorpion is killed.' Mr. Nair was such a serpent, therefore it is very good."
He read my mind and immediately corrected my bogus ideas. I felt great relief. Now, armed with the proper sentiment I asked, "Srila Prabhupada, Krsna killed him? Does that mean he has achieved liberation?" Srila Prabhupada laughing at my foolish question said, "No! Krsna didn't kill him personally. That only applies when Krsna personally kills you. He was not such a great demon, Krsna did not come personally to kill him."
As I continued massaging him Srila Prabhupada continued clarifying his attachment to the project saying, "The Deities were installed on the property. Mr. Nair was making a great insult to Krsna, that I could not tolerate. He was insulting Krsna. Krsna was there and he tried to kick Krsna off the land. We have money. We can buy property anywhere but Krsna was there at Juhu. Therefore I was determined to have it for the Lord.." After a few minutes His Divine Grace said, "I remember when he came to visit me this last time in Bombay. I knew then that Krsna was going to kill him. I noticed he was limping. Generally, he was a very robust man, very strong. He was not at all ill but on his last visit he was limping. Then I knew Krsna would kill him. Actually, Krsna has killed him."
Srila Prabhupada your determination to serve the Supreme Lord is transcendental. It is apparent why you were chosen by Lord Caitanya to spread His glories to every town and village. You are fully qualified to be worshipped by all living entities on this planet for the next ten thousand years. I observed how you were resolute during the overwhelming difficulties connected with the Juhu project. You are fully surrendered to Krsna. Please bless me with the determination to fully surrender at your lotus feet.
I arrived at New York Temple from New Vrindavan with Kirtanananda Maharaja and a few other bhaktas to receive initiation. I have already mentioned my first contact with Srila Prabhupada, accidentally landing on his Vyasasana. My first formal meeting was the day His Divine Grace gave me Hare Nama initiation. There were ten bhaktas initiated daily while he stayed at the Brooklyn temple.
I remember vividly at the initiation ceremony when Srila Prabhupada's secretary called, "Bhakta Vin." I squeezed my way through the crowded temple room to Srila Prabhupada's Vyasasana and nervously offered my obeisances. Srila Prabhupada asked, "So, do you know the regulative principles?" Somehow, I managed to say all of them. Then he said, "And how many rounds will you chant on your beads?" "Sixteen." I said, decisively. He said, "So, your name is Srutakirti. That is a name of Krsna, which means 'one whose activities are world famous.'" All the devotees in the room shouted, "Jaya." Srila Prabhupada continued, "And your name is Srutakirti dasa." When he said it he placed a great amount of emphasis on the 'dasa.'
I offered my obeisances and made my way back to my spot in the temple room. When I sat down someone asked me what name I was given. I replied, "I don't know." Fortunately we had the option of reviewing our names posted on a list tacked to Srila Prabhupada's door.
Srila Prabhupada lectured here every evening at a pandal program attended by thousands of residents. After the program Srila Prabhupada would make his way back to his quarters being protected by his disciples. Surrounding Srila Prabhupada, some sannyasi disciples held their dandas out to protect His Divine Grace so that the hopeful admirers would not try to touch his lotus feet. One evening when he entered his room he smiled and said, "I remember when I was young. I would observe Mahatma Gandhi. He had so many people around him, protecting him from the thousands of admirers. I thought, 'Someday I want to have that' and now I have it."
Srila Prabhupada, it has been 25 years since you mercifully initiated this unqualified wretch. I have spent most of that time in illusion. I want to take this opportunity on the anniversary of your disappearance to serve your orders. Your first instructions to me were to chant 16 rounds, follow the 4 regulative principles and become the servant of one whose activities are world famous. It is not possible for me to serve Krsna directly. I pray that you are kind upon me so that I may serve your lotus feet. Your activities are world famous. I pray to spend life after life praising your glories all over the world. You are the most glorious servant of Lord Caitanya because you have fulfilled his desire and that of the previous acaryas. Please protect me so that I do not stray from your instructions. I want you to reside forever in my heart so that I can taste the sweetness of separation from you. It is the most sublime feeling and it is only available to your faithful follower.
Since Srila Prabhupada is transcendental and completely free to do as he pleases, flying with him was a thrilling experience. You never knew what to expect. Today was no exception.
Srila Prabhupada sat in a window seat near the back of the airplane. Shyamasundar and I sat in the next two seats. As is normally the custom on the transcontinental flights the flight attendants frequently offer refreshments to passengers in order to avoid the dehydrating effects of recycled air. So now a flight attendant began walking up the aisle with a tray of drinks in clear plastic cups offering them to the passengers.
As she approached our seats Srila Prabhupada said, "What is that?" I replied, "Oh. That's 7 Up Srila Prabhupada. Would you like some?" He said, "Yes. Let me try it." Naturally, I immediately requested 3 cups for all of us. Syamasundara and I waited for Srila Prabhupada to take the first sip. We wanted to be certain the 7-Up would be prasadam. We watched carefully as he put the cup to his lotus like mouth. He drank some and put the cup down on the table and said, "Ahh, this is very refreshing." We finished our drinks within minutes as we were all quite thirsty.
During that flight we had 7-Up three or four times. Each time Srila Prabhupada drank one he would say, "Ahh, very refreshing. This is very good." One time the flight attendant put the can down on the table along with the cups filled with ice. Srila Prabhupada picked up the can and asked, "What are the ingredients?" He began reading, "Water, sugar, citric acid, natural lemon lime oil. Oh! This is all right. This is very good. It is all natural ingredients."
Srila Prabhupada was marvelous. He could have been doing a commercial for the soda. He was very enthusiastic about his discovery. I excitedly watched him enjoy each moment. After arriving at the temple one of the devotees asked if there was anything that Srila Prabhupada needed. I couldn't think of anything. That was a problem for me. Once, Srila Prabhupada said, "Srutakirti has no imagination." It is very true. I couldn't imagine what the devotee could get for my beloved Spiritual Master. The devotee was determined to offer something to him. Finally I said, "Well, he likes 7 Up. You could get that for him." I convinced him it was a good idea. That day the devotee brought a case of 7-Up and I stored it in Srila Prabhupada's kitchen.
I must confess for the first few days I was hesitant and never offered any to Srila Prabhupada. I began drinking it because I was afraid to offer it to him. I couldn't think of the right moment. Remember, I have no imagination. Finally, the occasion arose.
One evening a temple president arrived from out of town to see Srila Prabhupada. While His Divine Grace was in his sitting room speaking with this disciple, Srila Prabhupada rang his bell. I started towards Srila Prabhupada's sitting room when this devotee stopped me in the hall and said, "Srila Prabhupada wants some water." I said, "O.K.," but continued walking towards Guru Maharaja's room. The flustered temple president loudly reiterated, "Srila Prabhupada wants water!" Annoyed I tried to keep my composure replying, "Please wait, I want to ask His Divine Grace something."
Apparently this disciple was trying to have a private conversation with Srila Prabhupada and I was interrupting. Lacking sensitivity and imagination I didn't immediately understand his need, so I made my way into Srila Prabhupada's sitting room, offered obeisance's and said, "Srila Prabhupada, would you like some 7-Up?" "Oh yes!" He replied with a smile, "Bring me some 7-Up." I raced back to the kitchen and filled a silver goblet with 7-Up and ice. Hurrying back to his sitting room, I placed the 7-Up on his desk in front of him and offered obeisances. Srila Prabhupada sat back on his asana and began to sip the drink. When he put the glass down on the table he said, "This is very refreshing."
He got up from his asana and began to walk around the room enjoying his 7-Up. I remained in the room blissfully watching my spiritual master relish the cold drink. My godbrother was surprised by the entire affair and anxious for me to leave the room. After Srila Prabhupada finished his 7-Up I took the empty cup, offered obeisances and happily left his room feeling that I had pleased my Guru Maharaja by this simple act in spite of inadvertently annoying my godbrother.
Srila Prabhupada, I am blessed by your causeless mercy. Thank you for the opportunity to witness your playful pastimes. Observing your confidential lila allowed me to get a tiny glimpse of your association with the Supreme Lord. Your beloved child-like nature contrasted sharply with your lion-like acarya profile. For pushing on Lord Caitanya's movement you forcefully do the needful. As a pure devotee of the Lord you have no attachment to the fame and adoration that was constantly bestowed upon you. For this reason you are worthy of it.