Vande Guroh Sri Caranaravindam
by
Gaura priya dasi
In January of 1978 I was invited by a friend to attend a Sunday Feast
program at the Los Angeles Hare Krishna Temple. Since I was a
vegetarian, my friend wanted to introduce me to the taste of prasadam.
When he said a whole community of people practiced vegetarianism,
frankly, I had a hard time believing him. I have never forgotten that
day. I remember the worship during sundar arotika, the fragrance of
burning incense, the swaying movement of devotees dancing, and the
sounds of the conch shell. I felt happy, and peaceful. I knew I would
be back. Again, and again, I frequented this Sunday program. As my face
became familiar, a few devotees befriended me. I was given a
Bhagavad-gita As It Is, and several issues of Back To Godhead magazine.
As the months passed I wanted to understand the purpose of the Hare
Krishnas. I learned Srila Prabhupada, the founder - acharya of Iskcon,
had recently passed away. Still, I was curious, and interested to
comprehend why such a large group of young people, so devoutly practiced
their faith. From studying the Bhagavad-gita, the first principal of
spiritual life I realized was the importance of the spiritual master.
It is those instructions from the Guru that speak to the heart of the
disciple, enabling him/her to spiritually advance. I was determined to
satisfy my questions, which had arisen from reading Srila Prabhupadas
books. This was the beginning of my spiritual awareness. I was
beginning to see beyond the bodily and mental conceptions of my Western
upbringing. Life held a deeper meaning, and I wanted to find my place.
I realized meeting a spiritual master, such as Srila Prabhupada, was
essential. How else would I be able to devote my entire life to self
realization? I learned from Srila Prabhupada that spiritual life was a
razors edge, and from his disciples, I learned the meaning of
devotion. My desire for spiritual knowledge increased from the
association of Srila Prabhupadas followers. To me their conviction to
practice Krsna consciousness was a beautiful, endearing example. My
confidence in their sincerity was the deciding factor in leaving my so
called life of college, friends, family, and job.
The events leading up to this decision began in Mission Beach,
California. I had been living with a group of friends on the beach.
The San Diego Hare Krishna Temple was within walking distance. I
regularly attended the evening Bhagavad-gita classes, and always looked
forward to the Sunday Feast. On my own, I had just read that the false
ego, mind, and intelligence made up the subtle, material body, which
carries the soul from birth to birth. I panicked! A very big question
arose in my heart! How does the soul get back to Godhead if the subtle
body is material? The next evening, during the Bhagavad-gita class, I
asked this exact question. Being dissatisfied with the instructors
answer, I learned that a leading disciple of Srila Prabhupada would
arrive in San Diego that evening, and would be giving a morning class
the following day. Determined for an answer, I attended the morning
Srimad Bhagavatam class.
I arrived a few minutes late and found a place to sit among the women
devotees. Attentively I heard from the speaker, a sanyasa disciple of
Srila Prabhupadas, named Ramesvara Swami. When he asked for questions,
nervously, my hand shot up. I said, "I understand the subtle body
carries the soul from birth to birth. Since the subtle body is
considered material, how does the living entity return to the spiritual
world?" His face lit up; a huge smile greeted my question. I felt in
him an enthusiasm for preaching and an appreciation for my
inquisitiveness. He proceeded to explain the process of bhakti-yoga,
the constitutional position of the soul, and how through devotion, one
can cultivate his/her bhakti-lata-bija. This bhakti-lata-bija,
ultimately, was the vehicle which delivered the soul to the spiritual
world, to Goloka Vrindavan. His answer concluded with a beautiful,
detailed description of Krishnas abode. He finished by asking me if I
wanted to go there. When the class ended, I stood up, and stretched my
cramped legs. A final service was beginning; Guru-puja. Standing among
these devotees, hearing the ringing of bells, their voices singing, I
suddenly knew in my heart who I was. I was the servant, of the servant,
of the Lord.
Leaving the temple room, I walked outside to retrieve my sandals. A few
eager devotees rushed up to me, and said Ramesvara Swami would like to
meet me. I was surprised by the invitation, and accepted. Later I
learned he did not want me to get away. He said I was an intelligent
girl. Ramesvara spent the next three days explaining the tenets of Krsna
consciousness to me, and very patiently answered many of my questions.
He asked me to move to Los Angeles, to live in the ashrama, so I could
study this science of self realization in the association of serious
devotees. I took his advice, and moved into the Los Angeles Iskcon
temple.
Twenty years have passed since that day. With those years many changes
have occurred. Foremost, the loss of Ramesvara as my Guru, the loss of
my devotee husband and the loss of my spiritual community, Iskcon. In
1987, with my two young daughters, I moved to Boise, Idaho, to assist in
opening an Iskcon preaching center. At this time a dark sadness began
to overshadow my devotional practice. I needed to distance myself from
the confusion, and disillusionment of my life in Los Angeles, and Boise
seemed the solution. A simple environment, some temple service and some
time to prioritize.
After a few years I made the decision to live on my own. I no longer
felt comfortable being an active member of Iskcon. I felt the values of
the organization no longer matched those I understood from Srila
Prabhupada, and I felt embarrassed by the behavior of many leaders in
our movement. Consequently, I became a very lonely, and weak- hearted
devotee. My shelter in Krsna consciousness became Srila Prabhupadas
books. On my own I had no hope; no hope of developing pure love of
God; no hope of giving up material life. I started to believe my quota
for spiritual advancement, in this lifetime, had been exhausted. Where
was Krsnas pure devotee? Having accepted Srila Prabhupada as my siksa
guru, I continued praying to him for guidance and direction.
In 1996 his guidance manifested. While reading a current issue of Back
To Godhead magazine, I came across an article written by a disciple of
Srila Prabhupada. She happened to be my first sankirtana leader,
someone I respected, and had great affection for. I began a
correspondence with her, and in June of 1996, she asked me to come to
Eugene, Oregon, and meet Srila Narayana Maharaja. More important than
meeting Srila Maharaja, I wanted to see an old devotee friend, someone I
trusted.
Upon my arrival in Eugene I felt awkward. Although there were many
familiar faces, still I was uncomfortable. The devotional atmosphere
restimulated past traumas, I became an emotional wreck. Attention
drifting, my mind kept saying, "You tried this once, remember?" I
spent more time suppressing my urge to cry, then really listening to
Srila Narayana Maharaja's classes. The last 18 years of my life kept
flashing before me. I became scared and confused, and needed to be
alone. Here again were the happy faces of practicing Vaishnavas, all
who seemed determined as ever in spiritual life, and there I stood, a
casualty of Lord Caitanyas sankirtana movement. Frozen with fear, I
couldnt bare my pain and the ache in my heart swelled. That old
feeling of betrayal numbed my body. I left feeling bewildered, and
lost. Coming home, I continued my study of Srila Prabhupadas books,
and stuck to my plans to travel to India for the centennial celebration
of Srila Prabhupadas appearance.
In October of 96 I arrived in India. Traveling with three Prabhupada
disciples, we visited many holy places. Sri Vrindavan dham was the last
leg of our journey. My prayers were for faith, determination and
spiritual strength. Each morning I would go to Srila Rupa Goswamis
samadhi, and sit, chanting my japa. I prayed for his mercy, for some
drop of understanding which would increase my faith.
One evening a devotee stopped in for a visit. He invited us to
Nandagrama, to hear Srila Narayana Maharaja speak at Ter-kadamba. The
next morning, in a taxi, we traveled to Nandagrama. It was at
Ter-kadamba where the words of Srila Narayana Maharaja cut into the core
of my heart. After reaching there I learned this was Srila Rupa
Goswamis bhajana-kutir. I knew this was no coincidence. I felt Srila
Rupa Goswamis mercy, and Srila Prabhupadas love, placing me here among
this assembly of Vaishnavas. Hours later, on the trip back to
Vrindavan, I broke down and cried. Unable to hide my emotion and
tears, I grieved the loss of my spiritual practice.
When I returned home my experience at Ter-kadamba never left me. I had
received the mercy of a Divine Grace, whose mission in life cuts the
hard knot of material existence. In deep contemplation, while praying
for guidance, I remembered a verse from Srila Prabhupadas translation
of Srimad Bhagavatam, canto one, chapter 13, verse 10. Here His Divine
Grace writes,"The holy places all over the earth are meant for
purifying the polluted consciousness of the human being by an atmosphere
surcharged with the presence of the Lords unalloyed devotees. If
anyone visits a holy place, he must search out the pure devotees
residing in such holy places, take lessons from them" In all my
travels while in India, Ter-kadamba was the only place of pilgrimage
where I heard from a pure devotee. It was there that I felt a scratch
against my heart. An old desire had surfaced, a desire to render service
to the lotus feet of such a spiritual master, whose purity can carry me
across the ocean of nescience.
I had finally found my initiating spiritual master, Srila Narayana
Maharaja. In the spring of 1998 I knew he would, once again, begin his
World tour. I arranged to travel in June to Oakland, California, where
I could spend a week in his presence, and have the association of his
followers. On June 14, 1998 along with my two daughters, I received
initiation from His Divine Grace.
I left Oakland fortified, and elated. The most serious of my
realizations was to offer a place in my heart to Srila Gurudeva, and
from him all mercy and remembrance will come. His purity easily
penetrated my bitter heart. The sense of urgency I felt surprised me. I
mean to say, I should not have taken initiation. I had not regularly
chanted in many years, nor felt worthy to ask for initiation, but
suddenly I took a plunge not knowing how I would have the strength to
become a faithful, and deserving disciple. This is the beauty of Krsna
consciousness; at a time when I felt such deep resignation, and
internally had lost hope, Krsna appeared before me in the form of the
Mahabhagavat. What mercy to look up and find myself in the divine
presence of such a dear devotee as Srila Gurudeva. In the dark tunnel
of my mind, the impossible burden of overcoming my past impressions of
spiritual life lifted. With one loving glance Srila Gurudeva cleared
away my emotional clutter.
Some months have passed since then, and I find myself alone again, but
the difference is my connection to my spiritual master. At first, the
absence of sharing my good fortune with others became melancholy,
somewhat anticlimactic, but in the interim my bhajana has deepened and
the waves of Gurudeva's mercy are splashing against my heart. I feel
that Srila Prabhupada sent me Srila Narayana Maharaj for a very
confidential reason. I am deeply grateful for the blessings I have
received from his supporters and disciples. Their worship and devotion
has brought me the association of a pure, advanced Vaishnava:
saksad-dharitvena samasta-sastrir
uktas tatha bhavyata eva sadbhih
kintu prabhu yah priya eva tasya
vande guroh sri caranaravindam
Unless I have this direct association of the pure devotee, the
confidential servant of the Lord, to give up my attachment to material
life is impossible. Srila Prabhupada is carrying the order of Srila
Bhaktisiddhanta, and Srila Bhaktisiddhanta carries Srila Bhaktivinode
Thakur's desires...all the way to Lord Caitanya. This desire to spread
the rays of the benediction moon - harinama sankirtana - will continue.
Srila Narayana Maharaja holds the keys to the hearts of the predecessor
acharyas and freely distributes their mercy in the mood of Lord
Caitanya. This I know, because he has restored my broken faith. Which
confirms, in my heart, his vrajavasi status. Sitting in the presence of
Srila Gurudeva, and hearing him speak, gave me the assurance that my
spiritual life is not over. His Hari-katha awakens the hearts of those
who hear with rapt attention the message of Lord Caitanya. The security
Gurudeva has given me is a second chance to pick up my beads, and feel
the joy they contain and bring. Receiving the Hari-nama mantra from a
bona fide Guru has made the difference in the quality of my chanting. I
feel Gurudeva's purity and potency increasing my faith to take the holy
name, to purely relish its nectar, and to always aspire for the service
of Sri Sri Radha Govinda.
I may never be qualified or worthy to sit at his lotus feet, but I am
grateful to be able to peer over the shoulders of those who realize his
magnitude. These serious devotees have made it possible for me to meet
and hear from Srila Gurudeva. I owe them my life.
Vaishnava dasanudas,
Gaura priya dasi
To correspond with the author please e-mail:
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Hare Krishna!